Episode 6: Ijot Guide

Hi,

There are a few things that you should know about me that I won't be able to tell verbally. Hence, this ijot guide. I hope this helps.

1. If I start singing out of the blue, know that I've been singing inside my head minutes before. If we are in a public place, whisper and tell me "too loud." (or you can always sing with me.)

2. If I randomly dance, let me lest we are in a cramped space and I'm hurting someone's boob or head already.

3. If we are watching a movie with intense scenes, expect me to huddle and cover my eyes with your arms. If I cry, remind me that I have emergency tissue in my bag.

4. In case I have a panic attack, hold my hand, address my concern, and tell me that everything will be alright. Do not tell me to calm down - I will just do the opposite.

5. In case I miss out on a hang-out, please forgive me. I am probably inside my room, unable to defeat my demons for the day. Know that I will always, always long to be with you and to miss out on a hang-out is not normal.

6. There will be times that I will call you and say nothing...at first. Please don't put down the phone.

7. Letters. You'll find them written on post-its, tissue paper, or here. Know that you cross my mind.

8. Surprises. Big or little, this is my way of saying I am thankful for you.

9. I like you. I don't see you as just a friend.

10. If this is too much, you are free to leave. The door is always open.

Scared

I'm very scared. 

There are a lot of thoughts and questions inside my head that I want to burst out whenever I talk to you. I did not want to breach the security of our relationship just to get answers but now, I realized that I am too far along to even care about security. 

I like you. I really do. I look forward to every text, every story, every thought, and every song that we tell each other. And while I did say that we should still be friends...are we really just friends? Why do I feel like I'm letting you in to the shadowy corners of me? Why do I give you a lot of time that I normally will not give to just any friend? Are you just being friendly? Is this your type of friendship? 

Tell me because I need more motivation to keep myself in check. Tell me because I'm scared. 

I'm scared because you are real. You are real and you are beautiful and I never imagined of having this sense of comfort and longing for another person. You are real and you are telling me I am praise-worthy and I just want to tell you that damn, the girls you loved before are so lucky. You are real and I'm trying so hard, so very hard, to build more walls around my heart but you are just there, knocking everything down. 

You are real and I do not know what to do anymore because fuck my illnesses, I think it's too late.