However, I have been burying an inner yearning for companionship, passion and sincerity underneath the seemingly cold statements about love that I utter. At night, I waited for the clock to strike 11:11 and crossed my fingers for romantic happiness. I wished at the stars, at the fallen eyelashes, and at God that he may find me and set me free from the overwhelming loneliness and insecurity I was experiencing.
This continued until I woke up one day and saw change. I realized that deep in the recess of my heart, the need to be in a relationship with someone lies with my simple wish of having someone who will stay with me. Someone whose heart will inspire me to stay too. Someone who will change me in ways different and similar to the ways that I will change him. Someone who will stay after seeing the ugliest side of my diamond.
Someone who will make me brave enough to try and engage into intimacy that comes with being in love and love.
It was then that I thought of the other people who want that kind of love in their lives too. I thought that maybe I am not alone in this state and perhaps if I just reach out my hand, I can hold someone's hand too and feel not so lonely anymore. Perhaps if I just break through the walls of self-misery, I can interact with the ones I never gave the chance to and truly appreciate the other kinds of love existing in my life. Perhaps, if I change myself into a being aware of loneliness dwelling in her soul and is still fighting for friendship and intimacy, I can truly love someone in that way.
I know I am still not ready to start that journey again. For now, I am looking for a way back to God. I miss the closeness we had before all these things happened in my life. I am absorbing and giving happiness from and to my family, friends, colleagues, interests and hobbies. I am loving Him and them. I am recognizing the fact that love is not limited to romantic love---that it comes in different forms. I am slowly stretching my hands out. I am happy.
