Hello. I miss you. I miss the way you send chills and shivers through
my spine. I find myself looking for that tiny pink spots on my cheeks
whenever you pass by. How my heart starts to beat so fast that I can't
breathe. How my mind starts to panic when you come towards me, and
then goes blank from the moment you spoke your first words. How I can
content myself into thinking about one person throughout the day. How
I smile foolishly whenever I catch you staring at me. Really, you got
me reeling. You get me into a roller coaster ride whenever we have a
conversation.
That was then. Now's a bit different.
Today, when you walked by after Biology class, my eyes started to
follow you with disdain. I found myself biting my lips to keep me from
shouting profanities. I had to clutch on my locker's door to restrain
myself from slapping you. I had to convince myself to turn to the
other direction to keep me from asking you my stupid questions. I had
to grab my chest to keep me from sobbing in the hallway. I had to
smile to everyone who asks me if I am okay. I had to pretend. I hated
it.
Yeah, I sound like a bitter b*tch. Maybe I am. I am. Why?
I'm still in love with you. Gaddammit, I still am.
At night, I still imagine the warmth of your arms around me. I still
smell your husky scent on my sheets. I still recall the way your eyes
glimmer whenever I tell you that I love you. I still remember the
times we had those silly picnic dates you insisted upon. Remember the
third time we went to central park? We had to care this cute little
boy for a day because his parents have gone away somewhere. We acted
like we were a real family. The night that followed, I began to think
about our future. You, me, a nice house and naughty little twins. It
was so perfect, so right. But someone had to ruin it. Someone ruined us.
How you ever managed to have a one-night stand with Michelle McAdams
while I was planning our beach trip is still a mystery to me. Am I not
enough? You told me you would wait, turns out your little buddy wanted
a hug from someone else. What happened to our promise? Whatever
happened to our perfect future? You disgust me so much. I thought you
were different. Now please don't make up excuses. Just take a bow.
I hate you because of so many things. For making me hope. For making
me happy with just one smile. For making me silly and bubbly. For
making me love you. I hate you because you made me feel that I wasn't good enough for you.
Hope you and her won't have the same ending we had.
- T.
