2012 = The year of the posts

2012,

Thank you for:

• making me realize how wonderful life can be if I would just let go of all my inhibitions 
• all the bumps and the blocks. Without them, I'd never learn how to look at other options and stand up like I didn't fall in the first place 
• the little moments. Those days when the screw in my head gets loose and I become crazier than I normally am. 
• the inspiration of pursuing my dream of writing. This year showed me that times when I type on the letters and write with my pen are the times I am more honest with myself. 
• The beautiful sunrises and sunsets. They remind me why things begin and end eventually. 
• the stress. I know I complained so many times about the work load. However, I also know that the heavier the responsibility given to me, the more change that I can do around me. 
• the heartaches. They hurt but yes, hurting is good at times. 
• the scars. One day, when someone asks me about them, I'll tell him/her that I conquered a trying period of time. 
• the blossoming of hope. Sounds cheesy, but I realize that some things are worth the love, pain and sacrifice.
• the feelings. They remind me that I am human. 
• the new friends and acquaintances. It's always a pleasure discovering other personalities. 
• the ones who stayed. (and still never letting me go). 
• life.

I regret:

• nothing. 

Wish list

10. A new, medium-sized backpack.
9. A ticket for Disney Princesses on Ice.
8. A plane ticket to Korea/Singapore.
7. The Selection by Kiera Cass/ Everyday by David Levithan/ Let It Snow by John Green et al.
6. Instax polaroid / Any vintage camera
5. A whole day trip to Mind Museum/BGC/Mercato
4. Kim Bum's CD
3. Harry Potter hoodie + ID Lace
2. Lomography mixed film pack, 35 mm.
1. (too cheesy and personal)

I hope I get one of these. :)

Sinatra and Cole

I have so much love for Frank and Nat that I decided not long ago to name my future children after them. How I wish there is someone who can be up to their par in the music industry today. Nobody is composing/singing sweet, real and simple love songs anymore. This generation's music is too focus on heartbreaks, men who are bastards, women who are bitches and lots of sex. (I mean there are good ones like Coldplay, Jon Mclaughlin, and Lady Antebellum but they are overshadowed by the likes of Justin Beiber, FloRida and Selena Gomez urgh) Goodness.

I firmly believe that I am not a child of this era. *sigh*

Notice

In an effort to keep my life as private as possible, I will not write about the personal issues I am facing/will face directly here anymore. I will, however, still express my emotions but in subtle ways. No more "dear diary" entries from me. I have a pen and paper for those. :)

And I guess this also affects the thoughts I will share on twitter and facebook. I will lessen my activities and be as "invisible" as possible on those social networks because I don't feel comfortable in letting things out anymore. I want my old state of privacy back.

I want to fall in love with the poet

I want to fall in love with the poet 

and be immortalized in his haikus 

Be his muse for his lyrics 

and the inspiration of his diamante 

Be the starting point of his thoughts 

and the end of his lines

For I can only compose with him

in thought, 

and in my heart. 

I want to hold his hand as he

picks up the pen and writes 

down, "I" 

and consequently makes a mistake 

of writing down "U" 

And I shall whisper in his ear 

That he, in fact, is correct 

For he and I will be side by side 

for a long time, if not forever 

I want to fall in love with the poet 

For he knows exactly who I am

Talking about when he reads 

the work I hurriedly wrote 

on the tissue papers given to me 

when we dined at that casual, Italian restaurant 

on Tuesday Morning 

and the answer I gave him is 

"Yes" 

But most importantly, 

I want to love the poet 

For he understands 

the language of metaphor I so often use

when I want to deviate 

from the social norms of expression

He will know that I am saying 

I love him 

when I compare us 

to the waves and the shore. 

Au revoir.

Clark Kent,

I don't think you know that I'm overworking to forget you and keep my mind off the things that are related to you. For the first weeks, I was successful. I thought of you less and focused more on my acads and orgs. But now that everything is happening simultaneously, I regret following my instincts. I'm self-destructing. I don't know if anybody cares enough to notice that I've been so tired physically, mentally and emotionally since last week. I tried so hard to laugh and smile off these feelings of weariness and discomfort but even the sound of my chuckles are so artificial to me.

Imagine my surprise when a very curious thought suddenly popped inside my head a while ago. For a few seconds, I felt a mixture of relief and sadness because finally, my soul is ready to let you go. To set you free from my claws. To say goodbye. I don't know if this is for good. Understand that I need to mend the pieces you broke unknowingly, and to rebuild the parts that I lost along the way. I need to lick my wounds alone.

Never think that I blame you because I don't. Everything that I am struggling and feeling is on my own doing. It's my decision to not tell you what I truly feel about you because I chose not to risk and wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to salvage our friendship but look at us now. We don't talk so much and I can't even look straight in your eyes. Our "bonding" times together (the little run-ins, hi and hellos and whatnot) were so rushed and hurried that I've come to see myself as a distraction. To be fair, I know that you think and feel that I only come to you when I feel troubled.  If this is really a friendship then you and I are not supposed to feel that way.

Let's face the truth. We've fallen apart. There's nothing holding you to me anymore. I'm not your best friend or your funniest or your smartest or anything. I can't do anything for you. You can't even share your problems with me and I found it awkward to be around you. But you know what's the saddest part of these shenanigans? You can forget about me and my existence. But not me. You are an iridescent person among a crowd of familiar faces. I think your memory will always stay with me like a footprint buried in the sand.

Simply put, I woke up this morning and realize that I am not Lois Lane-- that I am not the sassy journalist who is willingly to wait on top of the tower. I will stop wishing for you to sweep me off my feet because I finally realize that in your eyes, I will never be her. You're not my superhero, Clark.

They say that eighteen is too young to feel so strongly for a person. I disagree. I'd like to think that the intensity of what I'm feeling for you will be the same or more for the person I will like five, six, seven etc years from now. I could've fallen in love with you but I didn't let myself. I just hope that you won't be like me, scared and too much of a coward to let a person in my life.

Good bye, Superman and I hope not to see you around.

I use the word "tired" too many times in this post.

Because I have no one to turn to and so many people are relying on me to function tonight so I might as well get this off my chest. And I'm so sorry because it's you again but please don't think that you are just a shock absorber.

I'm very tired and I know everyone is tired and I have no right to complain. I know that I should be self-sufficient and that's why I'm not really expressing what I'm feeling to anyone. I'd really hate to break down tonight so I might just as well think of other people who are having harder times than me. But the point is that I just really wanna say that I'm tired, I feel used, and I'm not a pillar. I don't know why people trust me to do so much stuff and I don't know why I say yes all the time. Maybe it's because I just can't say no or I'm afraid of them not liking me or I'm just trying to forget something or I would really just like to do so much things at once. Idk and honestly, I'm tired of thinking about the reasons why.

I just want a hug or a hi or a simple nod. I'm very tired and I think I need to rest.

I fall deeply

I fall deeply
And not just a staircase distance
You need a thousand ladders to reach me
For I am sitting quietly on the edge of the moon
Softly sighing while watching you sleep at night 
But I will stand and jump
And feel the wind contrast my hastiness
At your one word
For I can assure you
That even gravity will approve of us
as it will pull me down to you
Closer and faster and closer
But you must understand
That my bravery will leave me km/s
And so fear will become my parachute,
my one-way ticket to save myself
But I will not pull the plug
And ruin this destiny's fall
Because even when your arms won't welcome me
I will not back down from this plunge 
The thrill of falling for you
is worth every doubt
every risk
every pain
every drop of misery
that I will feel when the cold, hard ground
lays my heart on the floor. 

God is a fresh cup of coffee in the morning

God is a fresh cup of coffee in the morning

when the sun peeks down on my being

and the wind caresses my soul so cold

He warms my heart and makes me bold

I know He is not what I always perceive Him to be

My tongue does not know what it receives

For He is a feast of color, of smell, of taste

Swirls of life, of love and time not in haste

He gives me a bitterness that makes me cringe

but appreciate the sweetness He also brings

I can never count the beans He brewed

And so I can only say, “Thank you”.

On nights when work has forbidden my eyes

to close, rest or even blink thrice

I think of Him and I regain

my spirit and I am no longer the same

Once I tripped and broke my heart

And I was left searching for its missing parts

The pain of having holes within myself

had me hiding in the deepest corners of the shelves

But mother found me and there she was

cradling the white cup, smiling like a little lass

“Coffee is not only for mornings,” she said

“It is also for girls who cry when they go to bed.”

Now I sleep with no worries for dawn

to come and steal my chance to draw

the dreams I saw in tunes and hues

and the hope I gathered when the skies are blue

For when I wake up I know He is there

ever ready, He always shares

the lovely warmth that spreads through my soul

He is the fresh cup of coffee that makes me whole. 

--

This poem is  for my Theology 121 class.  We were asked what/who is God for us and why/how is that our relationship with Him.

First Recording: Possibilities by Freddie Stroma

My face is as thick as your stack of medical books right now. Hehe.

I took a break from the presentation I am doing and recorded this. I've always wanted someone to serenade me with this song simply because the lyrics are just honest and real. I won't mind if he's sintunado (although I might laugh at his face HAHA). The gesture of harana is touching and endearing in its own way.

So while no one is singing for me, I thought I might sing for you guys. Accapella only. Consider it as your halloween gift (or curse hohoho). ;)

Here's the link: http://soundcloud.com/chelactuallysings/cover-possibilities-by-freddie

P.S. I'm not that good. HOHO

Mind over heart.

It's so easy to be carried away by emotions, but it's very hard to think rationally when all you want to do is fall and smile in sweet surrender. Thankfully, after pondering for days, I know now what is the best thing to do.

Move forward.

I cannot be stuck in the moment, or else I would forever be in a phase where my point of reason is an event that I can view through a single facet. I know that I must make a decision though all the choices presented to me will bring discomfort. Telling him would bring me a sense of relief but would bring awkwardness, not telling him and keeping all these feelings would cause me great distress and would make me do weird things, and accepting what happened and moving on would surely bring some thoughts of regrets but will inevitably be the best choice for me.

I'm tired of making things complicated, of hiding and running away, of denying him, and doing things to make him feel special. I want someone who has the guts to take risks and show me what he really feels. I want to be with someone who is mature enough to be with me for a very long time. I just want someone to love me and care for me.

To you, if you really like me then do something. I'm not forcing you to be in a relationship with me right now but give me some real and concrete sign. I'm willing to stop and wait for you. However, if you feel less, let me continue to walk away.

Fruits of my so-called "hard-work".

YAY! It's my first time to be in that list. :') Seeing that beautiful, beautiful grade is sooo awesome! :) But I know that I could've gotten higher if I just work my butt off and concentrated more. Whatever. Too late for that, and honestly, I have no regrets. I had a rocking first sem. I'm satisfied. I'm happy.

Finally, some evidence that Ateneo doesn't think I'm dumb! <3 br="br">

A Letter to the 25-year old Me.

Dear Chel,

Hi! :) If you are reading this, that means you remembered that you wrote this seven years ago. For me who is here in the year 2012, this is a letter which is still in-construction as I really have no idea what to write here. I just have this urge to write a time capsule (albeit a virtual one). I will just write what I'm currently thinking of, and I dearly hope that somehow, all that I will say to you will make sense.

First, how did college go? Did you aim higher for yourself or for others? Did you continue your minor in creative writing? Were you able to graduate with latin honors? Were you able to sustain your friendship with your three closest friends? Why did you do those things? Tell me, I want to hear your stories. I want to know whether you finally gathered the courage to tell NC that you liked him, or you met an extraordinary person who changed your life. I am ecstatic to hear your tales about your pranks and whatnot. Were you able to at least achieve something from our plans? Tell me. My ears are ready.

Second, I want you to know that even if you failed at a lot of things, you still have your loved ones, especially your family. You are in that state for a reason. You are there because something magical is about to happen (or maybe it already happened? :) ). If you are still asking what is your purpose in life, go to Him. He knows what is best for us. Time and time again, He has proven to be the one source of our solace and comfort. His will be done, right? So, go to Him, and ask Him if we are on the right path.

Third, congratulations! You deserve a big, big hug from your 18-year old self. :) You are still alive and kicking. You are able to survive life! :) >:D< But, it's time to take our maturity a notch higher. It's not right to keep grudges, okay? So, LET GO. Allow yourself to be happy. Hihi.

Fourth, how are your relationships? How are Mama and Papa? Are you still living with them? If yes, are you giving them your monthly contribution for the house? If no, why did you move out? Is Papa still working? Are you able to buy things for them from your own money? How is Ate? Is she still in the medical school? What specialization is she planning to take? Are you still as close as now? Did she truly end up with D? How are our relatives? Are both families still closely-knit as ever? I do hope so.

Lastly, how's your heart? Are you in a relationship right now? If yes, are you happy? If no, why not? Remember our mantra about this? You don't deserve anything less. :) I hope that you were able to experience loving  after the disastrous attempts we had back when we were still in high school. Don't be so cynical and close-minded. Take everything as it is. Open your heart again to the possibilities. Stop being in denial.

It's already 2:45 am. I have to stop writing this. I hope you notice that this letter is not really about the past seven years. This is about evaluating whether our life made significant changes to others or if the passiveness of some of the things that surrounded us affected the way we lived. This is about reflecting on what we have become. Did we change for the better or for the worse?

I'm ending this abruptly, as all thoughts end in our heads-- forever switching.

Take care, okay?

Please still be sane,
-- Chel (18).

I hate how you just go and assume things about me like what things would make me happy. Guess what? I'm not.

Questions.

I knew from the very start that you will not, in any way, care about me more than I care about you.

But is it too thick-skinned and desperate of me to hope against the blatant fact that you will never see me in that light? Because I am clinging to those small, powerful moments where you actually took the initiative to talk to me, or to look at my way. Or did you? Were they simply illusions my mind created to cushion the impending heartbreak I am going to experience? Did I raise the levels at such high rates only for me to fall down and get broken?

Will you attempt to catch me? (Quite frankly, I don't think so.)

...and love victimizes another friend.

Written for a friend who is currently suffering a major ache in her heart. No edits whatsoever.

---

To you,

First of all, make sure this letter has your undivided attention. Stop drinking your cocoa, tell John Mayer to stop mourning, and press 'pause' on your "He's Just Not That Into You" download. I will only take five to ten minutes of your time, so you better read and understand what I wrote. After all, it was you who asked me how you can recover from a love "that drained the life and blood out of you". Okay? Okay.

I am not the most impressive writer about love. In fact, I feel like I have no right to pen this down for I only have a failed courtship and an unrequited love under my resume. But still, these thoughts won't let me rest until I let you see this, and somehow to let this letter shake you up (even a little) from the terrible condition you are in now. I may not be a certified expert on this subject, yet I also felt pain because of that "stupid, useless" emotion. I am not trying to compare what I experienced to what you are experiencing right now, and don't you dare think that I am trying to sympathize with you. I am only saying that all the damn people in this world get hurt because of love, and you are no exception to this truth.

Maybe your view on love in this exact moment is a leech. It cuts you subtlety, latches upon the wound, and sucks the liquid that gives you life. All the while, you think it's nothing but a clingy insect. Hmm, I know it's a bad comparison, but that's how you feel, right? You let him in your life, care for him so much it hurts at times, and suddenly, in just a blink of an eye, he vanishes and takes away parts of you that you give so freely. Parts of you that will forever be lost in that crazy myriad of confusion, despair, hope, and clarity during the times when you were still together.

I am telling you, you will never get them back. Those moments, those memories...all of them already happened. And when you continue to trap yourself in the past to undo every bad decision you made, you will fail to see how this will make you a stronger person. You did what you thought was right, and that's the end of it. Love is not about surviving the relationship. It is about growing in that relationship. If this break-up is the way in which you will learn how to start from scratch and pick up the pieces left, then so be it. Those parts you lost along the way? They will be replaced with new and better ones, I promise.

"And fuck, I tried to make it work." I don't know how you couples "make things work", but I know why some things in this world won't: 1.) wrong person 2.) wrong time or 3.) wrong place. If you continue your relationship with him, chances are you will kill each other. The pain will pound you in its sickly way more than ever that you will  forget on why you love that person in the first place. Remember what John Lloyd said in his epic movie? Siguro kaya tayo iniiwanan ng mga mahal natin dahil may darating pang ibang mas magmamahal sa'tin - 'yung hindi tayo sasaktan at paasahin...'yung magtatama ng lahat ng mali sa buhay natin.

I would lie if I told you that nothing is wrong with you, but let me remind you, something is wrong with him too. You weren't the only one in that relationship. He was there with you. So if you start the blame game and end up punishing yourself for everything, stop. No one is to blame. You had your faults and he had his. Stop quantifying how many wrongs you did. If you did not make those, then all of these will be for naught...and you would not learn. Admittedly though, he made a very glaring mistake.

He let go one of the most beautiful ladies I've ever known.

So cry and pig out all you want for this week, but never shed a tear again for him when Monday comes. My advice? Accept. That's the only cent I can give you 'cause on contrary to those break-up guides and books, you can only move on when you made peace with what happened. I don't know how long it's going to take for you (Don't spend your entire lifetime pining over him, okay?) but I can't wait to see that genuine smile on your face again. I don't know how my words will help you, but I hope in my heart that it will.

We love you, dear, in case you've forgotten that a lot of people still love you.

Still your sickly and bubbly friend,
C. ;)

The Love Triangle

Glide, I
glide along
the cerulean halls
faster and faster
I find myself
looking
staring
gaping at your
smile. You never
smiled like that with me

And the house
I'm standing at
The walls crack
the ground shakes and I
tumble, shamble into rubble
but yours did not.
My empty fireplace rained
and the wood consumes
the stones with so much fiery
and here I am

numb
as I am being burned alive
and you, with the eyes of
the ocean, sail away
with her, the child
of the sea foam
I do nothing.
Nothing, I am.
Who am I to question
your high throne?

I am but
an ash keeper
the girl forgotten
'til the ice of winter
freezes.

How to Bathe

Stare at the mirror

Touch the cold glass with your numb fingertips

and breathe in...

...breathe out. 

Notice how plump your cheeks are

from the rest of your bones 

You move your fingers

to smooth the wrinkles

of your young face

The tears keep on pouring 

"Hush"

your swollen lips part. 

Take off your shirt 

It smells too much

of musk and pine so much

unlike the vanilla scent of your 

shadow-tattoed wrists and you,

you cry

again

"Hush" 

Your dirty soles run to the bathroom 

quickly, turning on the faucet 

and you wonder what is 

with you that turned him on 

You lay on the tub 

but you are angry 

With bare hands, you scrub

Scrub so hard, scrub to erase

Scrub to be clean

Your pale skin turns crimson

but you don't stop

because he did not 

HUSH 

he whispered, softly so softly

but the screams, the groans, the unwanted moans

continued to fill your ears

and you cry

again

"Hush" 

you tell yourself 

Your tears are too pure for this world. 

Eureka.

It was right there all along, and I realized, the choice is always mine. :)

For my sun.

I don't think it's working anymore. 

I don't have the time, the place or any of those for you. I cannot offer myself to you, because I will never be enough and I don't think I will ever be for you. You're a star that is meant to be seen by afar, not to be touched or even to be kept. And I?  Who am I? I'm a satellite. I wander around the universe looking for that perfect planet to spy on but I keep on gravitating towards you, a burning mass of light. You are no good for me, and I for you. If I so much attempt to touch your rays, I shall cease to exist.

Or maybe, I just don't have the courage to be burned by you. 

Crossing the lines.

shdgKSDHlasjlask;sk;

^I'm so frustrated with the Pro-life Philippines Head right now. Where's the "free will"? Oh, I bet if ever he  reads this post, he'll comment on how I wrongly interpreted "free will". Maybe I did, maybe I did not. But whatever. Let me get to the point:

I cannot believe that he will go this far:

https://www.facebook.com/notes/friend-talk/an-open-letter-to-the-160-professors-and-jesuits-of-the-ateneo/456940214346967

I get it, okay. My university, as a Catholic one, should embody Catholic Church's principles and views. However, what he fails to understand is that the Church cannot INFLUENCE everyone who goes to Ateneo. What makes Ateneo the Ateneo is its thriving academic community of students and professors. These professors and students are free to think -- to decide on what is right and what is wrong. It makes me very, very angry on the fact that he seems to question the "Catholic-ness" and the faith of these individuals based on one issue. Very unfair and biased, in my opinion. Where is the open-mindedness? Plus, he should remember that not all students in ADMU are Catholics. hdgjksdhfkj. :| 

Another thing that makes me frustrated is how he is not respecting opinions. Holy macaroni, I remember my CLE teacher telling me to accept my classmate's opinions on how our project should be, no matter how terrible it is. Imagine how ironic everything is for me. 

I shall be my late for my Spanish Class

...for this.

I won't attend my meetings today either (because my Spanish class conflicts with their scheds). For once, I want a break. I need a break.  Even if it's just for five minutes. Or four. I just want to breathe and feel the air pass through my lungs.

How many break downs must I endure to go through this year?

These days seem the calm before the storm. I am so scared that something might happen again, and it will leave me shattered into bits. So, I am wishing and hoping that some miracle may intervene with my unwanted routine. I don't want to fall apart again. I reached my quota of tears last week.

I can't tell anyone all of my problems either. I am so afraid of sharing what is really on my mind, for fear that they might stay away from me, or suffocate me with their "care".

I don't need "Kaya mo yan!" or "You can get through everything". I have enough of those.

Is it bad to suddenly wish for someone who can hold me and be strong for me when I am weary of being myself?

I wish this neutral vibe will last even for a week.

Song of the moment

"There are moments when I don't know if it's real or if anybody feels the way I feel. I need inspiration, not just another negotiation."

Just because the lyrics speak volumes, and this is me, being the cheesy girl yet again.

What's on your mind?

Dahil hindi ko na mapigilan.
Hindi ko na makumbinsi ang sarili ko.
Hindi ko na kaya pang i-exit ang blogspot,
sa tuwing gusto kong magsulat.

Tutal,

binibisita ko naman ang profile mo sa facebook 3 beses, isang linggo
seryoso kong binabasa ang mga tweets mo
medyo  nag-reminisce ako sa mga text messages
lagi ka namang lumalakad sa isipan ko

Hephep!

Wag kang assuming.
Di pa kita mahal.
Di pa kita gusto.
Di pa kita serious-serious crush.

Happy crush lang.

Iyong hindi umaasa
Iyong hindi nagpaparamdam
Pasilip-silip lang
Pa-tweet-tweet lang ng lyrics.

Ganyan lang. At hanggang ganyan lang muna.


Di pa ko handa.

...ayun oh, ni-like mo yung post ko. KILIG.

Scribbles. (08/08/12)

Scribble #1 : Sana marunong akong lumangoy. O may waterboat ako. O may floating car na puwedeng rentahan. Gusto kong pumuntang Ateneo eh.

Scribble#2: Pagtulong LANG nga ba ang pakay ko sa kagustuhan kong pumunta ng Ateneo?

Scribble#3: OO, gusto rin kitang makita. Pero 10% lang.

Scribble#4: Kung mas honest ako, 20% talaga.

Scribble#5: Magkakasala ata ako eh. Oh sige, 25%. Ikaw kasi eh. Tsk.

Scribble#6: Di ako pinayagan ni Papa na lumabas. Shucks. :(

Scribble#7: Walang pasok bukas?! Tangcats nooooo. Paano ko makikita ang CRIBS babies at paano ako makakapack ng goods? HAY.

Scribble#8: Paano rin kita makikita? =(

Scribble#9: Erase. I-erase ang lahat.

Okay

I want to write so many things here. I want to share what happened to me these past few days. I want to fill this white space with my words, my phrases, my sentences, and my stories. I want to bare my soul and be expose for once. I want to act like an extrovert, and tell you everything. I want to holler, scream, shout, and...I think you get what I mean.

However, for some reason I can't pinpoint, I just cannot. All I know and all my head can think about is how I will end this post. I keep on pressing backspace. There you go, I just pressed it again. 

Maybe a few words will suffice? What I want to express is...

For now, okay is enough. I have one month. 

Le Batalieur

I thought I was more cynical, more cautious, and more critical when it comes to this thing.

That's how I want to see myself, anyway. After my former experience, I swore that I will not entertain any thoughts about garden flowers, porcelain teacups, curtained mornings, fresh parks, long lunches and late dinners involving a specific person less I am ready to tackle the bittersweet, worldwide battle of staying together my parents are participating for more than two decades. The tryst I had made my armor brittle, cold, and weak. I just wanted someone to fight for me in the same way I would fight to death for him. However, the one I expected to hold my hand at least until midway stroke me at the back and left me dying when we had not yet even entered the white, iron gates then. 

I suppose one would say that I should try again. After all, I only had one experience of an almost, and another of an unrequited infatuation (the possibility of entering the battle with me never occurred to him). They were not so bad, isn't it? I suppose I should test the waters again and fish for a funky piranha or something. Maybe I'll get a seahorse, if I am lucky. 

But not everyone in this world has that amazing speed of recovery. My college friends call me the "recap girl", because they said I was the only one in our Comm class who has the "ability" to capture the highlights and memorable moments of the past meetings. You see, for one to be an effective recapper, he has to relive the memoir a few times, maybe even more, depending on how real everything felt again. I am the type of person who reminisces the "what-happened's" too much and feels much deeply every time. I overthink and I travel back too often. These qualities make me the perfect person for the job.

Now, I heard somewhere that an ability can turn into a liability. I can't agree more. My recapping skills extraordinaire has rendered me to be clingy to the past. It is hard to move on. 

So where do you fit in this mess?

You just might be the one; the one who can help me forget. The one I can create new memories with without having the fear of resenting them. That person who can set me free. 

Because it's you, I might try again. 

A Hello to the Art of Farewells

Here I am, contemplating to write another letter. You do know what this means, right?

Letter = Good bye.

I've never been good at farewells; I never handle them well. I would always turn out to be the last one to get a grip and stop my tears from falling. For an instance, ever since I was a kid, I would bawl my eyes out whenever my Dad lets go of my tiny hand to hold his suitcase of dreams. I would watch him kiss my poor mother with sweet hopes, and turn to my sister and kiss her forehead, as if telling her to be a good girl and help my mother watch me. Finally, his eyes would meet with mine and the silence between us gives birth to the promise of his return. He then would lift me up, kiss me quickly on my wet cheek, let me down to the ground, and turn on his heel. Still, I would cry and shout for him to come back as he slowly fades into the busy airport terminal. It is always that way.

Always. So much that this attitude of saying goodbye to my dear father whenever he goes for work carried on to how I greet endings. One time, my second grade best friend announced during our homeroom time that she will be leaving next year for London. At that time, I was so elated for her that I even gave her a wallet as a good luck gift. I thought that she will just be on vacation, and come back in time for the next school year. It didn't sink in to my eight-year old self that there's that big possibility that I might never see her or bond with her again. My great delusion ended though. On the second week of third grade, I cried -- no wait, I thrashed out. It was then that I realized that she left for good.

So you see, the remaining part of my innocence about leaving was shattered at a very young age. One might think that by now, I should get used to it. By now, I should be just letting people come and go into my life easily because I am already used to goodbyes. After all, some would come back -- like my father. I should just be alright.

However, reality is not all should's and must's. Not all people are like my father. Not all living, breathing humans here on earth give their last hugs and kisses before they leave for their own adventure. Not all can possibly consider and think that the ones they left behind will have the heavier job of recovering from their lost presences. Not all people who leave will come back.

Trauma. That's what farewells caused me. "Forever" became a vague idea, and "always" meant sometimes. I fear the words and the act so much that I contracted  an illness that I am currently trying to cure myself from. This sickness victimizes people, myself included, into experiencing the unwanted anxiety of worrying and feeling sadness almost all the time. Furthermore, once a person afflicted with this trait gets close to another, this abnormal coping drives the sick person suddenly away from the other, filling his/her mind with irrational doubts.

Yes, I have the disease of having a very hard time trusting.

I push and pull away. I get sad when I'm too much happy. I get confused when everything's a-okay. I am constantly finding an imperfection on a person I would really, really like to know. I am that paranoid person who will say the magic words first when she feels that the other will leave her soon.

Because of my little idiosyncracy, I became the person I hated. I am the one who says goodbye...and never comes back in fear that she will be left behind by the person she is beginning to trust. I write letters to express my regret of not being able to stay. I write to remember the memories I shared with them and imagine the ones that I will miss out. Insane, right? Hear me out though.

I am trying to change-- to get myself cured. I realized that if I stubbornly live this way, my life would be an empty shell of love lost and bittersweet greetings. If I do not change, then I would never experience the beauty of taking risks. Plus, I agree with what John Green wrote in his latest book. I do believe now that even though we don't have the choice but to get hurt in this world, we do have the choice of who hurts us.

So hold on, okay? When you feel that I am withdrawing again, please pull me back into the life of colors. When you notice that I am too quiet, get me talking. When I begin to get mad at you for being clingy, soothe my feelings by letting me go a little. Give me the space I need, but never be too far away.

And if there will come a time that you will have to leave me, don't say a word. Never promise anything out loud. Just look me in the eye, and let the comforting silence assure my hypersensitive soul that you will return. That you will come back to me.

Date and Time: July 2012. 2:17 pm
Place: A table for two, Jollibee Katipunan
Weather: Raining.      

This part of me.

You'd have to understand. I was never a speaker. I can never fully express my feelings through my mouth. So, whatever I was trying to say, look it up here...or on the tissue paper I scribbled on back when we were eating lunch. Writing is my tongue and the words I write are my lips. There is no better way to know me but through reading the thoughts I convey through my pen and keyboard.

And yes, I have trust issues.

This is me. The true me. If you don't like what you are reading, then I am very sorry. Rejection is the one thing I fear and loathe the most, but if you must do it, then do it quickly. Do not prolong my agony. I am so tired of being scared all the time.

Historia

Lifehouse's concert made me realize that I need to let go all of my inhibitions and just embrace what is about to come. So, I thought of writing mini-letters to the persons/things I want to let go of...just because holding on to them (or their memories) does not make sense anymore. They do not fit anywhere in my present, nor my future. What's done is done.

I said "I love you" in a feat of desperation, and not because of the intensity of what I feel for you. It was for you to stay beside me, and not for you to say it back.

It was a fatal mistake for my part to ever give hope. We never had a past, get it? It was all in your head.

 There could have been an "us" if we just did not miss out on each other. I hoped for you for months, but still you did not take the hint.

Thank you for making me feel special. Good luck to your family.

You do things to me. You challenge and intrigue with me with your ways, as they are too similar yet too different from mine. I know that I have come to admire you. I don't know if you know all of these, but in any case, I want to be there for you. If you like the girl, I will support you all the way.

You were such a disappointment. I believed in you and still, you gave me shit.

I don't know if I could trust you again.

I think I can never completely forget what you did to me. Although we became civil acquaintances, I would not cross the distance and be friends with you. It was too painful...too traumatic. What you did to me, I'll never wish for anyone to experience it.

I regret not taking a chance with you. My life could have been more adventurous.

Thanks for everything. We were both at fault, but still we reconciled. Cheers to a new friendship!

I felt so rejected when you never called back.

We were at the end. I do not blame you. 

Bintana

Note: Made this circa 2010. This I have to say though: What a cheesy poem.

Lumipat ka na naman ng upuan, sa tabi ng bintana.
Heto ako, nakatitig, ni hindi makasalita
Araw-araw lagi kitang pinapanuod kasama niya
Nagtitiis, nagtitimpi, basta't ika'y sumasaya

Langit at lupa man ang pagitan, ika'y aking minamahal
Animo'y hindi na mapagilian ang puso sa pag-iral
Kahit na nagmumukhang gago sa kakahintay sa'yo
Sana'y tumingin man lang sa akin, mailap na pagsuyo

Wounding the Neurotic Wendy

               Note:  I had fun writing this reflection paper so I decided to post this here. If you read some technical terms, please refer to google...or you can ask me by commenting. Heehee.

               I’ve always been curious on how I could possibly acquire some contradicting behaviours and attitudes. As I mentioned in the first reflection paper, my temper is probably my Achilles’ heel, and it prompted me to be this kind of person who is competitive, impatient, and moody. Usually, these characteristics would give an impression that I should be a person who is sociable, sporty and outgoing. However, I am actually quite the opposite, meaning that I turn into a wallflower when I am in public. And so, I thought I needed a psychiatrist in the future just to check if my sanity level is okay. Fortunately, one Psy101 class cleared my doubts and made me understand how I am still normal though I worked this way. This general psychology lecture talked about how people came to love in neurotic ways. I never knew that the “wounds from parenting” part and Karen Horney’s neurotic personality theory would help me come in to terms with my own personality.

                I’d like to think that my parents gave their best shot in making me a civilized and disciplined person. They love me and care for me a great deal. They let me grew up in a home often, if not always, full of laughter, stories and bonding.  So what is my problem? My Mama is what one can describe as an anxious parent; she is overprotective, a bit controlling, and feels that my sister and I greatly depend on her.  My Papa, meanwhile, is somewhere between of an anxious and avoidant; he is somewhat distant because he because of work but  he can be overprotective too. Somehow, I think my deeper need to be fully independent but still be connected stems from this. I like being enmeshed, I truly do, but I have this greatest urge to try live on my own and stand on my two feet.  This is because there are times I feel like I’m being suffocated by my parents’ demands and expectations, and I can’t help but rebel against them. This must also be the reason why I am mildly antisocial (Remember what I said in the first paper about me liking sometime alone?), but would likely be the leader of a group if I felt like there is a need (admittedly, to be in control).

                The neurotic personality theory also makes sense to me. Although I am still figuring out what acts of parental indifference my Mama and Papa did (Maybe it was my father’s distance?), I am sure that I can definitely relate with the aggression and withdrawal qualities. I “fluctuate” within those attitudes. I mentioned previously that I am competitive and controlling. For example, I am pretty sure that I will fight tooth and nail to whoever says that the JK Rowling wrote pieces of crap when she published Harry Potter. I can be loud and opinionated when I want to be. As for the withdrawal qualities, I mentioned several times that I’d like to be alone. I suppose I can admit that the reason why I am not in a relationship right now is because I am afraid to depend so much to a person, and I feel like there are some things that I’d like to do on my own first. (Go singlehood!)

                I guess being a “walking contradiction” is not so bad after all, and not so rare.  I mean, I am aggressive, but I think in some ways, I am a compliant too (I just hate letting my parents down.). After all, this is what makes me unique as an individual, this mixture of qualities and characteristics. I am just glad that I can somehow understand why I am like this, may it be because of parental indifference or wounds from parenting. I am absolutely sure, however, that I am not a “Wendy” (My quirky professor called me Wendy in class. He thought I had the “Wendy Complex”.), because if that is the case, I would have to go to the non-existent place called Neverland to find my own Peter Pan.

Summer Songs

(You can skip the first paragraph. I was writing nonsense.)

It's the month of flowers! :) Keke~ And yet, it seems like the sky haven't fully implemented the appropriate weather. It's still hot. ;( (Although it rained a little yesterday...) It feels like I'm a cookie dough and the Philippines is a very big oven ready to over-bake me! Oftentimes, it really makes me wonder why my country has to be near the equator. (Stupid, I know.) Anyway, I expect that my family's electronic and water bills will go up because of the blessing from above aircon and the little "swimming trips" to the bathroom.

I've been babbling about the heat because it is the factor that "pushed" me to write this post. While other people opted to lock themselves inside the ref to cool, I have another way to cope with the daily baking session. This method makes me feel relaxed and comfortably warm inside. It also refreshes my mind after the day's work (or class. I have summer school. Huhu.). What is this other way?

Chilling with the melodies. (Congratulations to those who guessed it right...not. My title hints it all.)

Like what I wrote in my twitter, nothing beats the old ballads crooning while the summer heat just hypnotizes you to stand up, close your eyes, feel the warmness of the atmosphere, and sway your body to the beat. You can be anywhere in the world, even in Hawaii or Switzerland, while listening to the tunes of Joe Cocker  and Noel Gallagher. Time stops just to let you feel the lovely sensation of breathing and feeling alive. :)

In light with this, I'd like to share my summer playlist. These songs just makes me feel...euphoric.

Wonderwall - Oasis
I Will - The Beatles
Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
You are so Beautiful - Joe Cocker
Maria, Maria - Santana
Smooth - Santana ft. Rob Thomas
All I Want is You - Barry Louis Polisar
Anyone Else But You - The Moldy Peaches
Can't Take My Eyes Off You - Lady Antebellum
You and I - Ingrid Michealson
You are the One I Love - Jon Mclaughlin
To Be With You - The Honey Trees
There's a Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths

That's it! :) I hope you guys have a fun summer~. Just remember, make everyday memorable. Even if you don't have romance to spice up the sizzle, you can still make this season remarkable by having adventures, literally and figuratively. 

Talk to you on my next post,

Chel. :)

More Questions

Hi all! :)

It's been a long time, eh? (Well, not really long but you get me, right? HAHA.) So, how have I been? I recently acquired a leg injury from a very competitive game of caterpillar last Saturday. Plus,  Psy101 reviewers are waiting for me to finally stop browsing the internet and suck them into my long-term memory. Aside from those bits of unnecessary information, I'm pretty much okay. 

If you know me personally, OKAY is NOT fine at all. Why?

OKAY, for me, is a period in which I am only experiencing life in its most average state. It is  neither exciting nor horrible...just okay. And okay is never enough for me. I mean, where is the adventure? Where is the challenge? Where is the thrill, the exhilaration, the craziness that so many books and movies have been describing and picturing?

Where can I find all of these?

I know I should be contented with the way my life goes...but I feel like a peanut butter without the essence of peanut. Somehow, my spirit longs to feel freedom, to experience something more different. I want to see the whole world in different eyes. I want to engage in activities I would never even try considering before. I would like to try to be somebody else, even if just for a day. I want to do something remarkable.

I crave for variety and spontaneity, alright?

Does this internal need qualify me as a selfish person? You know what, all I really want, need, desire...is to feel alive. I feel like I've been sleeping for too long.

I'm sorry if I sound so whiny.

For the record.

           I am going to reiterate: NOT all of my posts here are related to my personal experiences. Some are just stories that are inspired by reality. It is up to you, dear reader, to find the clues on what seems to be a surreal story, and on what posts are...well, too personal.

          Thank you. :) I am going to blog a new post soon.

Stella cadente.

Tu sei la mia stella.
Vorrei amarti ma non posso.
Nel mio cuore non si può mai essere
Ma i miei pensieri sono sempre con te

--

Correct my Italian if you will. :) Thanks in advance.

I seek your face during Tuesdays and Thursdays

You attract me.

You don't notice, but my eyes always seek your face whenever we have our dance classes. I would caress my "good luck" bracelet and wish that somehow, we will interact for the day. So far, I never got my wish. You are always late, and I the early bird. I, who look forward to every session, has been partnered to the others just because you always come late. But it's okay. Really. Just watching you dance makes me feel those tiny shivers that I hate to love to feel. I'm fine with observing. With watching. With glancing.

When did this unhealthy seeking start?

Blame the first practical test. You were so good at leading the girl you were partnered with for Swing that I suddenly wished for you to be my partner for the next dance. The fates must be listening to me then because, indeed, you became my Cha-cha practice dance partner. You don't know how elated I was. Or still am. The dance...oh the dance. Your steps were so aggressive yet soft, passionate but gentle, confident but unassuming. I would bow my head down, fearing that I will never be up to your par. I was afraid that I would give you a bad impression.

And then, on the last day of us being partners, you agreed with the glasses girl that I am a good dancer. You even told me, "Onga, ang galing mong sumayaw", and listened to the other girl who asked me if I have a history in ballroom dancing. I bashfully said no, and told you guys that it was my hiphop background that trained my moves. You smiled. I smiled. Sparks flew (?).

But I have to end this.

I have to stop this. I have to stop seeking you. I have to stop planning on how I can make you look at me. I have to stop being tempted to seduce you. It's not right.

You attract me. So much.
I have to stop seeking you...


...can't.
Shall we dance again?