Pagod na ko. At patuloy akong napapagod.
Dumating na ko sa puntong iniiwasan ko na mag-area hangga't maari. Baka umiyak lang ako. Baka umiyak ako dahil sa sobrang pagod...dahil nawawala na ko. Hindi ako nawawala dahil hindi ko na alam kung bakit ko ito ginagawa. Hindi ako nawawala dahil literal na nawawala ako papuntang area.
Nawawala ako dahil unti-unti kong nabibitawan at binibitawan ang dahilan ko kung bakit ako tumaya at patuloy na nagtataya.
At lubusang nakahahabag dahil sa simula ng taon, ang dami kong plano. Ang saya ko. Takot ako pero handang-handa akong lumundag. Ngunit ngayon, gusto ko na lamang magtago sa kwarto ko at huwag ng lumabas pa. Gusto kong magpahinga pero ang daming boses - ang daming pangangailangan. Ang daming hinihiling sa kin. Isa lang ako - isa lang ang katawan, ang kaluluwa at ang puso ko. Pero sa tambak na kumento, suhestyon, kritiko, kalendaryo, plano, gawin natin ito Chel - hindi Chel ito - Chel, mag meeting tayo please.
TAMA NA.
Naririndi na ko. Nakakapagod makinig kung sabay-sabay na nagsasalita. Pakinggan niyo ang huni ng katahimikan ko. Kahit saglit. Kahit isang segundo lang. Kahit...kahit...
Gusto kong bumagon. Gusto kong lumaban. Pero ngayon, gusto ko munang magpahinga. Bigyan niyo ko ng panahon at ng espasyong...
Makapag-isa.
Makapag-isip.
Umiyak.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Why I Am Waiting
To distract myself from being a full-fledged workaholic, I've been recently using my ask.fm account and letting anonymous persons know my views and opinions about life. I never really saw myself as the kind of lady who gets the admiration of men because I admit that I am prone to snubbing people and being such a sarcastic sass. As such, to my amusement, I got questions asking me about my “love life” – mostly inquiring if I am in a relationship and if not, why. I deflected by responding either with my bad jokes or poor attempts to redirect them to another topic because I do not know how to explain that I am waiting without resorting to being a cheeseball. But here I am, typing hotly and thoughts running wild, finally ready to let others digest a piece of my mozzarella brain (and heart).
I am waiting patiently. I believe in not rushing things, of letting others hold the end of the rope, and see if we fit. I believe in the principle of things falling into place because I acknowledge that my life is not solely shaped by my decisions, but also by the choices of the people around me. I am waiting because I believe that the process makes the end what it is – that the journey is the crowning glory of every beginning and end. Life is not a book that I can just flip its pages so I can know what comes out of it. It is a collection of anthologies, separate stories weaving and interconnecting themselves. I believe in savoring the creation and endurance of these ties.
Do not be mistaken. I am not passive. I believe in living life to the fullest and pushing myself outside my comfort zone. I believe in taking risks, and growing from experiences. I do not let chances and opportunities go unless they prove to be unwise. I am waiting actively.
But really, why do I wait?
I am waiting patiently and actively because I believe that I should not settle for anything less nor should my future partner settle for a lesser me. This is not to say that my past experiences are mistakes. They are, rather, the catalyst of my decision. When the time comes, I want to confidently embrace the fear and knowledge that yes, I will get hurt because of love but I will choose to love anyway. I want to love wholeheartedly with all the passion that I can give. I want to love maturely, knowing when to hold on and when to let things go. I want to love enthusiastically, bringing happiness and comfort when gloom decides to step in. I want to love steadfastly and grow with my person, constantly striving to be our better selves. I want to love and let him be proud that I am the one he is sharing his life with.
Waiting gets lonely and there are times I just want to post a wanted ad out of frustration. I get a little envious when I see my friends with their partners, facing life together. There are also moments wherein I wanted to erase my mini-collection of romantic comedy films because they idealize things too much. (Plus, instead of easing my despair, they intensify it because of their out-of-my-reach handsome leading men. Huhu hi Gene Kelly, Marlon Brando and Dmitri of Anastasia)
However, I know I will meet him in some way or another. I will meet him maybe in a coffee shop, at a bookstore or at my favorite pancake place. I will meet him perhaps when I least expect it or maybe, I already met him. Maybe I am at the preface.
All I know right now is that I am here waiting, secretly excited to love him always in all ways.
I am waiting patiently. I believe in not rushing things, of letting others hold the end of the rope, and see if we fit. I believe in the principle of things falling into place because I acknowledge that my life is not solely shaped by my decisions, but also by the choices of the people around me. I am waiting because I believe that the process makes the end what it is – that the journey is the crowning glory of every beginning and end. Life is not a book that I can just flip its pages so I can know what comes out of it. It is a collection of anthologies, separate stories weaving and interconnecting themselves. I believe in savoring the creation and endurance of these ties.
Do not be mistaken. I am not passive. I believe in living life to the fullest and pushing myself outside my comfort zone. I believe in taking risks, and growing from experiences. I do not let chances and opportunities go unless they prove to be unwise. I am waiting actively.
But really, why do I wait?
I am waiting patiently and actively because I believe that I should not settle for anything less nor should my future partner settle for a lesser me. This is not to say that my past experiences are mistakes. They are, rather, the catalyst of my decision. When the time comes, I want to confidently embrace the fear and knowledge that yes, I will get hurt because of love but I will choose to love anyway. I want to love wholeheartedly with all the passion that I can give. I want to love maturely, knowing when to hold on and when to let things go. I want to love enthusiastically, bringing happiness and comfort when gloom decides to step in. I want to love steadfastly and grow with my person, constantly striving to be our better selves. I want to love and let him be proud that I am the one he is sharing his life with.
Waiting gets lonely and there are times I just want to post a wanted ad out of frustration. I get a little envious when I see my friends with their partners, facing life together. There are also moments wherein I wanted to erase my mini-collection of romantic comedy films because they idealize things too much. (Plus, instead of easing my despair, they intensify it because of their out-of-my-reach handsome leading men. Huhu hi Gene Kelly, Marlon Brando and Dmitri of Anastasia)
However, I know I will meet him in some way or another. I will meet him maybe in a coffee shop, at a bookstore or at my favorite pancake place. I will meet him perhaps when I least expect it or maybe, I already met him. Maybe I am at the preface.
All I know right now is that I am here waiting, secretly excited to love him always in all ways.
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