Historia

Lifehouse's concert made me realize that I need to let go all of my inhibitions and just embrace what is about to come. So, I thought of writing mini-letters to the persons/things I want to let go of...just because holding on to them (or their memories) does not make sense anymore. They do not fit anywhere in my present, nor my future. What's done is done.

I said "I love you" in a feat of desperation, and not because of the intensity of what I feel for you. It was for you to stay beside me, and not for you to say it back.

It was a fatal mistake for my part to ever give hope. We never had a past, get it? It was all in your head.

 There could have been an "us" if we just did not miss out on each other. I hoped for you for months, but still you did not take the hint.

Thank you for making me feel special. Good luck to your family.

You do things to me. You challenge and intrigue with me with your ways, as they are too similar yet too different from mine. I know that I have come to admire you. I don't know if you know all of these, but in any case, I want to be there for you. If you like the girl, I will support you all the way.

You were such a disappointment. I believed in you and still, you gave me shit.

I don't know if I could trust you again.

I think I can never completely forget what you did to me. Although we became civil acquaintances, I would not cross the distance and be friends with you. It was too painful...too traumatic. What you did to me, I'll never wish for anyone to experience it.

I regret not taking a chance with you. My life could have been more adventurous.

Thanks for everything. We were both at fault, but still we reconciled. Cheers to a new friendship!

I felt so rejected when you never called back.

We were at the end. I do not blame you. 

Bintana

Note: Made this circa 2010. This I have to say though: What a cheesy poem.

Lumipat ka na naman ng upuan, sa tabi ng bintana.
Heto ako, nakatitig, ni hindi makasalita
Araw-araw lagi kitang pinapanuod kasama niya
Nagtitiis, nagtitimpi, basta't ika'y sumasaya

Langit at lupa man ang pagitan, ika'y aking minamahal
Animo'y hindi na mapagilian ang puso sa pag-iral
Kahit na nagmumukhang gago sa kakahintay sa'yo
Sana'y tumingin man lang sa akin, mailap na pagsuyo

Wounding the Neurotic Wendy

               Note:  I had fun writing this reflection paper so I decided to post this here. If you read some technical terms, please refer to google...or you can ask me by commenting. Heehee.

               I’ve always been curious on how I could possibly acquire some contradicting behaviours and attitudes. As I mentioned in the first reflection paper, my temper is probably my Achilles’ heel, and it prompted me to be this kind of person who is competitive, impatient, and moody. Usually, these characteristics would give an impression that I should be a person who is sociable, sporty and outgoing. However, I am actually quite the opposite, meaning that I turn into a wallflower when I am in public. And so, I thought I needed a psychiatrist in the future just to check if my sanity level is okay. Fortunately, one Psy101 class cleared my doubts and made me understand how I am still normal though I worked this way. This general psychology lecture talked about how people came to love in neurotic ways. I never knew that the “wounds from parenting” part and Karen Horney’s neurotic personality theory would help me come in to terms with my own personality.

                I’d like to think that my parents gave their best shot in making me a civilized and disciplined person. They love me and care for me a great deal. They let me grew up in a home often, if not always, full of laughter, stories and bonding.  So what is my problem? My Mama is what one can describe as an anxious parent; she is overprotective, a bit controlling, and feels that my sister and I greatly depend on her.  My Papa, meanwhile, is somewhere between of an anxious and avoidant; he is somewhat distant because he because of work but  he can be overprotective too. Somehow, I think my deeper need to be fully independent but still be connected stems from this. I like being enmeshed, I truly do, but I have this greatest urge to try live on my own and stand on my two feet.  This is because there are times I feel like I’m being suffocated by my parents’ demands and expectations, and I can’t help but rebel against them. This must also be the reason why I am mildly antisocial (Remember what I said in the first paper about me liking sometime alone?), but would likely be the leader of a group if I felt like there is a need (admittedly, to be in control).

                The neurotic personality theory also makes sense to me. Although I am still figuring out what acts of parental indifference my Mama and Papa did (Maybe it was my father’s distance?), I am sure that I can definitely relate with the aggression and withdrawal qualities. I “fluctuate” within those attitudes. I mentioned previously that I am competitive and controlling. For example, I am pretty sure that I will fight tooth and nail to whoever says that the JK Rowling wrote pieces of crap when she published Harry Potter. I can be loud and opinionated when I want to be. As for the withdrawal qualities, I mentioned several times that I’d like to be alone. I suppose I can admit that the reason why I am not in a relationship right now is because I am afraid to depend so much to a person, and I feel like there are some things that I’d like to do on my own first. (Go singlehood!)

                I guess being a “walking contradiction” is not so bad after all, and not so rare.  I mean, I am aggressive, but I think in some ways, I am a compliant too (I just hate letting my parents down.). After all, this is what makes me unique as an individual, this mixture of qualities and characteristics. I am just glad that I can somehow understand why I am like this, may it be because of parental indifference or wounds from parenting. I am absolutely sure, however, that I am not a “Wendy” (My quirky professor called me Wendy in class. He thought I had the “Wendy Complex”.), because if that is the case, I would have to go to the non-existent place called Neverland to find my own Peter Pan.

Summer Songs

(You can skip the first paragraph. I was writing nonsense.)

It's the month of flowers! :) Keke~ And yet, it seems like the sky haven't fully implemented the appropriate weather. It's still hot. ;( (Although it rained a little yesterday...) It feels like I'm a cookie dough and the Philippines is a very big oven ready to over-bake me! Oftentimes, it really makes me wonder why my country has to be near the equator. (Stupid, I know.) Anyway, I expect that my family's electronic and water bills will go up because of the blessing from above aircon and the little "swimming trips" to the bathroom.

I've been babbling about the heat because it is the factor that "pushed" me to write this post. While other people opted to lock themselves inside the ref to cool, I have another way to cope with the daily baking session. This method makes me feel relaxed and comfortably warm inside. It also refreshes my mind after the day's work (or class. I have summer school. Huhu.). What is this other way?

Chilling with the melodies. (Congratulations to those who guessed it right...not. My title hints it all.)

Like what I wrote in my twitter, nothing beats the old ballads crooning while the summer heat just hypnotizes you to stand up, close your eyes, feel the warmness of the atmosphere, and sway your body to the beat. You can be anywhere in the world, even in Hawaii or Switzerland, while listening to the tunes of Joe Cocker  and Noel Gallagher. Time stops just to let you feel the lovely sensation of breathing and feeling alive. :)

In light with this, I'd like to share my summer playlist. These songs just makes me feel...euphoric.

Wonderwall - Oasis
I Will - The Beatles
Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
You are so Beautiful - Joe Cocker
Maria, Maria - Santana
Smooth - Santana ft. Rob Thomas
All I Want is You - Barry Louis Polisar
Anyone Else But You - The Moldy Peaches
Can't Take My Eyes Off You - Lady Antebellum
You and I - Ingrid Michealson
You are the One I Love - Jon Mclaughlin
To Be With You - The Honey Trees
There's a Light That Never Goes Out - The Smiths

That's it! :) I hope you guys have a fun summer~. Just remember, make everyday memorable. Even if you don't have romance to spice up the sizzle, you can still make this season remarkable by having adventures, literally and figuratively. 

Talk to you on my next post,

Chel. :)

More Questions

Hi all! :)

It's been a long time, eh? (Well, not really long but you get me, right? HAHA.) So, how have I been? I recently acquired a leg injury from a very competitive game of caterpillar last Saturday. Plus,  Psy101 reviewers are waiting for me to finally stop browsing the internet and suck them into my long-term memory. Aside from those bits of unnecessary information, I'm pretty much okay. 

If you know me personally, OKAY is NOT fine at all. Why?

OKAY, for me, is a period in which I am only experiencing life in its most average state. It is  neither exciting nor horrible...just okay. And okay is never enough for me. I mean, where is the adventure? Where is the challenge? Where is the thrill, the exhilaration, the craziness that so many books and movies have been describing and picturing?

Where can I find all of these?

I know I should be contented with the way my life goes...but I feel like a peanut butter without the essence of peanut. Somehow, my spirit longs to feel freedom, to experience something more different. I want to see the whole world in different eyes. I want to engage in activities I would never even try considering before. I would like to try to be somebody else, even if just for a day. I want to do something remarkable.

I crave for variety and spontaneity, alright?

Does this internal need qualify me as a selfish person? You know what, all I really want, need, desire...is to feel alive. I feel like I've been sleeping for too long.

I'm sorry if I sound so whiny.