Au revoir.

Clark Kent,

I don't think you know that I'm overworking to forget you and keep my mind off the things that are related to you. For the first weeks, I was successful. I thought of you less and focused more on my acads and orgs. But now that everything is happening simultaneously, I regret following my instincts. I'm self-destructing. I don't know if anybody cares enough to notice that I've been so tired physically, mentally and emotionally since last week. I tried so hard to laugh and smile off these feelings of weariness and discomfort but even the sound of my chuckles are so artificial to me.

Imagine my surprise when a very curious thought suddenly popped inside my head a while ago. For a few seconds, I felt a mixture of relief and sadness because finally, my soul is ready to let you go. To set you free from my claws. To say goodbye. I don't know if this is for good. Understand that I need to mend the pieces you broke unknowingly, and to rebuild the parts that I lost along the way. I need to lick my wounds alone.

Never think that I blame you because I don't. Everything that I am struggling and feeling is on my own doing. It's my decision to not tell you what I truly feel about you because I chose not to risk and wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to salvage our friendship but look at us now. We don't talk so much and I can't even look straight in your eyes. Our "bonding" times together (the little run-ins, hi and hellos and whatnot) were so rushed and hurried that I've come to see myself as a distraction. To be fair, I know that you think and feel that I only come to you when I feel troubled.  If this is really a friendship then you and I are not supposed to feel that way.

Let's face the truth. We've fallen apart. There's nothing holding you to me anymore. I'm not your best friend or your funniest or your smartest or anything. I can't do anything for you. You can't even share your problems with me and I found it awkward to be around you. But you know what's the saddest part of these shenanigans? You can forget about me and my existence. But not me. You are an iridescent person among a crowd of familiar faces. I think your memory will always stay with me like a footprint buried in the sand.

Simply put, I woke up this morning and realize that I am not Lois Lane-- that I am not the sassy journalist who is willingly to wait on top of the tower. I will stop wishing for you to sweep me off my feet because I finally realize that in your eyes, I will never be her. You're not my superhero, Clark.

They say that eighteen is too young to feel so strongly for a person. I disagree. I'd like to think that the intensity of what I'm feeling for you will be the same or more for the person I will like five, six, seven etc years from now. I could've fallen in love with you but I didn't let myself. I just hope that you won't be like me, scared and too much of a coward to let a person in my life.

Good bye, Superman and I hope not to see you around.

I use the word "tired" too many times in this post.

Because I have no one to turn to and so many people are relying on me to function tonight so I might as well get this off my chest. And I'm so sorry because it's you again but please don't think that you are just a shock absorber.

I'm very tired and I know everyone is tired and I have no right to complain. I know that I should be self-sufficient and that's why I'm not really expressing what I'm feeling to anyone. I'd really hate to break down tonight so I might just as well think of other people who are having harder times than me. But the point is that I just really wanna say that I'm tired, I feel used, and I'm not a pillar. I don't know why people trust me to do so much stuff and I don't know why I say yes all the time. Maybe it's because I just can't say no or I'm afraid of them not liking me or I'm just trying to forget something or I would really just like to do so much things at once. Idk and honestly, I'm tired of thinking about the reasons why.

I just want a hug or a hi or a simple nod. I'm very tired and I think I need to rest.

I fall deeply

I fall deeply
And not just a staircase distance
You need a thousand ladders to reach me
For I am sitting quietly on the edge of the moon
Softly sighing while watching you sleep at night 
But I will stand and jump
And feel the wind contrast my hastiness
At your one word
For I can assure you
That even gravity will approve of us
as it will pull me down to you
Closer and faster and closer
But you must understand
That my bravery will leave me km/s
And so fear will become my parachute,
my one-way ticket to save myself
But I will not pull the plug
And ruin this destiny's fall
Because even when your arms won't welcome me
I will not back down from this plunge 
The thrill of falling for you
is worth every doubt
every risk
every pain
every drop of misery
that I will feel when the cold, hard ground
lays my heart on the floor. 

God is a fresh cup of coffee in the morning

God is a fresh cup of coffee in the morning

when the sun peeks down on my being

and the wind caresses my soul so cold

He warms my heart and makes me bold

I know He is not what I always perceive Him to be

My tongue does not know what it receives

For He is a feast of color, of smell, of taste

Swirls of life, of love and time not in haste

He gives me a bitterness that makes me cringe

but appreciate the sweetness He also brings

I can never count the beans He brewed

And so I can only say, “Thank you”.

On nights when work has forbidden my eyes

to close, rest or even blink thrice

I think of Him and I regain

my spirit and I am no longer the same

Once I tripped and broke my heart

And I was left searching for its missing parts

The pain of having holes within myself

had me hiding in the deepest corners of the shelves

But mother found me and there she was

cradling the white cup, smiling like a little lass

“Coffee is not only for mornings,” she said

“It is also for girls who cry when they go to bed.”

Now I sleep with no worries for dawn

to come and steal my chance to draw

the dreams I saw in tunes and hues

and the hope I gathered when the skies are blue

For when I wake up I know He is there

ever ready, He always shares

the lovely warmth that spreads through my soul

He is the fresh cup of coffee that makes me whole. 

--

This poem is  for my Theology 121 class.  We were asked what/who is God for us and why/how is that our relationship with Him.