Note: I had fun writing this reflection paper so I decided to post this here. If you read some technical terms, please refer to google...or you can ask me by commenting. Heehee.
I’ve always been curious on how I could possibly acquire some
contradicting behaviours and attitudes. As I mentioned in the first reflection
paper, my temper is probably my Achilles’ heel, and it prompted me to be this
kind of person who is competitive, impatient, and moody. Usually, these
characteristics would give an impression that I should be a person who is
sociable, sporty and outgoing. However, I am actually quite the opposite,
meaning that I turn into a wallflower when I am in public. And so, I thought I
needed a psychiatrist in the future just to check if my sanity level is okay. Fortunately,
one Psy101 class cleared my doubts and made me understand how I am still normal
though I worked this way. This general psychology lecture talked about how
people came to love in neurotic ways. I never knew that the “wounds from
parenting” part and Karen Horney’s neurotic personality theory would help me
come in to terms with my own personality.
I’d like to
think that my parents gave their best shot in making me a civilized and disciplined
person. They love me and care for me a great deal. They let me grew up in a
home often, if not always, full of laughter, stories and bonding. So what is my problem? My Mama is what one
can describe as an anxious parent; she is overprotective, a bit controlling, and
feels that my sister and I greatly depend on her. My Papa, meanwhile, is somewhere between of
an anxious and avoidant; he is somewhat distant because he because of work but he can be overprotective too. Somehow, I think my deeper need to be
fully independent but still be connected stems from this. I like being
enmeshed, I truly do, but I have this greatest urge to try live on my own and
stand on my two feet. This is because there
are times I feel like I’m being suffocated by my parents’ demands and
expectations, and I can’t help but rebel against them. This must also be the
reason why I am mildly antisocial (Remember what I said in the first paper
about me liking sometime alone?), but would likely be the leader of a group if
I felt like there is a need (admittedly, to be in control).
The neurotic
personality theory also makes sense to me. Although I am still figuring out
what acts of parental indifference my Mama and Papa did (Maybe it was my
father’s distance?), I am sure that I can definitely relate with the aggression
and withdrawal qualities. I “fluctuate” within those attitudes. I mentioned
previously that I am competitive and controlling. For example, I am pretty sure
that I will fight tooth and nail to whoever says that the JK Rowling wrote
pieces of crap when she published Harry Potter. I can be loud and opinionated
when I want to be. As for the withdrawal qualities, I mentioned several times
that I’d like to be alone. I suppose I can admit that the reason why I am not
in a relationship right now is because I am afraid to depend so much to a
person, and I feel like there are some things that I’d like to do on my own
first. (Go singlehood!)
I guess being
a “walking contradiction” is not so bad after all, and not so rare. I mean, I am aggressive, but I think in some
ways, I am a compliant too (I just hate letting my parents down.). After all,
this is what makes me unique as an individual, this mixture of qualities and
characteristics. I am just glad that I can somehow understand why I am like
this, may it be because of parental indifference or wounds from parenting. I am
absolutely sure, however, that I am not a “Wendy” (My quirky professor
called me Wendy in class. He thought I had the “Wendy Complex”.), because if that
is the case, I would have to go to the non-existent place called Neverland to find
my own Peter Pan.
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