Impatience (or a strong desire to see you right now)

To you,

I really can't wait to meet you and fall in love again. It's 3:30 AM and I really should be sleeping but damn, I'm wide awake because the thought of holding your hand with my cold, clammy ones excite me. (I am sorry, I have poor blood circulation.) I can't wait to laugh and cry with you.

I can't wait to be with you.

I'm beyond ecstatic. My stomach is full of butterflies because envisioning how we will be together fuels me to go beyond and take risks. Right now, as I type this on my keyboard, I realize that I would like trace your cheek bones, the corners of your eyes, the tip of your nose, and the plumpness of your lips against my fingers for a long, long time. I might even want to kiss you, and explore the wonders of your soul until the sun awakes from his sleep. (Actually, I might never want to stop. I am full of greed when it comes to grasping every part of you.) I will not get bored. Even a bookish person who spends her Friday nights with words desires to be with someone she recognizes - she likes, she loves. Trust me, you are the end all and be all of all the heroes and the princes that I've read.

We won't be perfect. You and I will make mistakes. We will ride through bumps and rough patches that will make us want to stop the car. But I believe in you, in us. We will respect our boundaries, and understand our limitations. We will be off to the horizon even when Disney songs end, together. (I cannot tell you how much I love the sound of 'we' and 'together'. We. Together. We are together.)

I am so excited to love you deeply. (I just really can't wait to see you.)

Word Vomit: Two weeks.

Sitting here inside the warm coffee shop with Yiruma playing his keys to my ear, I realized that this moment would have been perfect - would transcend the large block of almost - if you were here.

You, who brought out irrational words from my controlled temper. You, who would simply stare at the windows as your mind wanders off and goes to journeys only you will know. You, who looked at me like I am some kind of beautiful anomaly that randomly walked into the scenery. Not that I am saying I am beautiful but you make me feel that I am. You, who made me stirred from my dreamless slumber. You, who I cannot categorize.

I am not a writer of candied pieces. I tackle tragedy, despair, yearning and unrequitedness of things because they were the ones I am familiar with. But you - the mere presence of you - whisper sweet nothings to my addled mind.

Autumn is coming. I hope you stay, if only for a while.

Word Vomit: Your Lips' Muscle Memory

I still couldn't understand how you can utter words when you do not mean them. Tell me how you can throw promises in the wind, let them fly and fall into the waters, and walk away like nothing happened. I've been spending minutes staring at the ceiling and I can't call it a day. I've been wondering how you can make commitment look like an empty box wrapped and sealed with silk ribbons.

Don't worry, I gave up every hope I hid inside the deepest corners. And while your name took a permanent residence in the past, I will no longer bring you into the village of future and give you the keys of the present.

I'm not angry at you nor do I resent you. I just feel curious.

What is your billion-dollar secret?

Word Vomit: Butterfly

After college graduation, I want to travel. I don't care if my destination is just a local place. I just want a change of scenery, experience independence and freedom from responsibilities, and be reckless. 

Don't be mistaken. I still want to be a professor/teacher. I still want to fulfill most of my life plans. But I need to feed this wanderlust growing inside my gut. I need to escape and find myself. Because while I feel happy now, uncertainty and fear lurks around the corner. I am still unsure of so many things. I want to break free even just for a short time. I'm searching for something I don't know, and it's hard to stay when I long to be elsewhere. 

All I know is that after this escapade, I will go back stronger. 

Word Vomit: Sand

I'd give anything to feel something other than this. I'm very afraid that I might continually forget and let cynicism wash over me. The footprints left are all I have--- they are my reminder that twice I risked to let someone in and if anything, the past shouldn't hinder me to let someone stay.

Word Vomit: Railway

I hope this won't make you uncomfortable. To the tell you truth, I am reluctant to write this but I can't let this chance slip away.

You told me our timing was off. We ignored the signs and took the wrong routes that when we met again, we were still on the same train only with the unnecessary baggage. Instead of walking away, I carried your bags as you carried mine. We shared what was inside of every pocket and laughed and cried with each secret uncovered. We started drinking coffee and spending the hours talking and talking and talking...and talking and we became a habit. We became a fixture I look forward to every time I wake up.

However, every ride has its end. You and I had places to go. We each have responsibilities. When the train stopped at my station, you  took my baggage away and told me to go and forget you. You made me promise to erase you because you were once one of those boys that left the unwanted souvenirs upon my door. You told me that the universe wasn't ready. You told me that our timing was off.

But I can't forget you. When everyday does not preoccupy my time, I think of you and the things I wish I expressed. What if, by continuing to pretend that nothing happened, we are on the wrong road again? What if the timing was, in fact, right? What if my final destination is really you? I don't want to live in the what-ifs anymore. Please, if you are still even just a fraction of the man I know, come to your train station. I'm here. Meet me for the third time.