Why?

Dear You,

I've been trying to find the right words, to craft the perfect outline, and to use as many euphemisms as possible. However, cliche as this sounds, I realized that maybe I should just used brutal and raw honesty. You deserve the truth in all its clarity and sharpness anyways. You should probably hear the byproduct of the five-month turmoil you have caused.

I trusted you. You were one of my confidantes. But you. You betrayed me. You made that choice. You turned everything upside down with just that conversation.

If we were to meet today, I will probably wish that you will disappear into thin air, never to turn into solid form again. But then, maybe you should be intact still because you just have to answer the questions that keep me up at night. Okay, no harm shall befall on you until you reach the end of this letter.

Did you respect me? As a woman? Did you ever think of the consequences before doing that? Why did you do that to me? To US? I thought I was like a little sister. Do you do that to your biological sister too? You said that you love me. Was that an act of love? Huh? WAS IT?

You took away a huge part of my sense of security. Ever since that day, every time I see your name on social media, I get these annoying tingles and my heart beats so fast my chest starts to hurt and I just can't breathe. Suddenly I just shake uncontrollably in front of my laptop and tears just pool out of my eyes. I didn't know who to tell and who to turn to because I was so angry at myself. I was so angry and fearful and hurt. And still, I am hurt.

So tell me. Why did you have to sexually harassed me?

Why?

Please. I beg you. Answer me.

2:30 PM

Anonymous said: Tell me a story, darling.

She looks at him as though he is her whole world.

Every day, the ocean-eyed lass chooses the second row seat nearest to the window just to get a glimpse of his rusty, brown hair every time he walks by at exactly 2:30 pm. While the wall clock’s hands have not grasped the time she is waiting for, she pretends to listen to her ancient English teacher whose voice came from the renaissance. She scribbles notes about Shakespeare, and doodles roses while her mind is far away from the lectures about E.E Cummings’ poems. She simply exists as the class wallflower, aware but not participating.

However, when the boy with the rusty, brown hair struts away dutifully during 2:30 pm, she blooms like the sun. Her back straightens, her eyes sparkles with focus, and her mind wakes up from the fairytale illusions she sleeps with. Her neck would turn at 45 degrees to the right, and suddenly, quite suddenly, the world is such a lovely place to live in. 

--

Note: Published this short story two years ago on my tumblr blog. 

Word Vomit: Two weeks.

Sitting here inside the warm coffee shop with Yiruma playing his keys to my ear, I realized that this moment would have been perfect - would transcend the large block of almost - if you were here.

You, who brought out irrational words from my controlled temper. You, who would simply stare at the windows as your mind wanders off and goes to journeys only you will know. You, who looked at me like I am some kind of beautiful anomaly that randomly walked into the scenery. Not that I am saying I am beautiful but you make me feel that I am. You, who made me stirred from my dreamless slumber. You, who I cannot categorize.

I am not a writer of candied pieces. I tackle tragedy, despair, yearning and unrequitedness of things because they were the ones I am familiar with. But you - the mere presence of you - whisper sweet nothings to my addled mind.

Autumn is coming. I hope you stay, if only for a while.

Word Vomit: Your Lips' Muscle Memory

I still couldn't understand how you can utter words when you do not mean them. Tell me how you can throw promises in the wind, let them fly and fall into the waters, and walk away like nothing happened. I've been spending minutes staring at the ceiling and I can't call it a day. I've been wondering how you can make commitment look like an empty box wrapped and sealed with silk ribbons.

Don't worry, I gave up every hope I hid inside the deepest corners. And while your name took a permanent residence in the past, I will no longer bring you into the village of future and give you the keys of the present.

I'm not angry at you nor do I resent you. I just feel curious.

What is your billion-dollar secret?

To the walking barrier

I met you when you were one of the crowd
which was ironic because I dislike places
filled with masks, layers, lies and stories
I feel suffocated with each inhalation and exhalation
of their ragged breathes and silent sighs
But when my eyes saw your tall tower
Wires ablazed with electricity and bricks rough to touch
Attraction sparked inside me, and suddenly
the humid air I hated to share became what I desire for
I wanted to be get closer, to feel the zap between my fingers
as it runs along the spine of my soul
Creating tingles that reaches my toes
But you turned the other way
and wore stacks of eternally frozen smiles painted on albaster masks
That you put out between the cracks and crevices of your wall
You disguised yourself in a split second
I thought I'll never see you again.

But after days of searching, I found you
sitting on the blue bus I ride to teach
chummy with my best friend whose transparency is so endearing
I wondered if this is what fate does-
Just when I thought it was over, it signals time to start
However the attraction I initially felt
transformed into something else
and at that moment I questioned Webster
why he has not invented a word for-
that inclination to know somebody
to stake whatever tokens one has and willingly lose
just to peel off a layer even when anticipating
another game harder to win
Wait, I did not want you. I did not, believe me.
It was not a crush nor a romantic wish.

The second you played with my hair after I sat down
on the seat in front you
I knew, I just knew
We are of the same kind
Different materials but similar constructions
protecting a vulnerable piece of us
that the world has left untouched
Because once we faced mornings with hearts on our sleeves
but people stripped us naked, breaking and shattering our innocence
taking our feelings and never giving them back
leaving us scraps of what we used to be
And so we built our walls of sarcasm and smiles
keeping stocks of automatic laughters and neutral expressions.
But once in a while, we find faces armed with pencils and scissors
standing outside, waiting for our challenges
knocking that small door of hope
Ready to write down memories and cut pieces of themselves for us to take

Dear walking barrier
I can never ran out of things to say
How we keep the others at arms length
But here I am, a fellow, asking you to let me in
I want to be your friend.
Not just because I sense our similarities
I want to be your friend
because I know you must be weary of keeping up the walls
I want to be your friend
because I want to understand our differences
I want to be your friend
because I want to start watching the sunrise again, with you by my side
I want to be your friend
and break a piece of me so I can give it to you
You must know, please just know
I am not expecting anything back.

Summer Romance

Human - Christina Perri
Dance with Me Tonight - Olly Murs
Dancing in the Moonlight - Toploader
Ready to Love Again - Lady Antebellum
Everything Has Changed - Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran
All About You - Mcfly
Baby, I'm Yours - Arctic Monkeys
First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes
One and Only - Teitur
Only You - Joshua Radin
Turning Page - Sleeping At Last

I guess this is the result of an unexpected inspiration from a post written two years ago. Hope you'll love bravely not just this summer but all the time, folks. :)

--
Summer 2013 Mix: Ready for Summer
Summer 2012 Mix: Summer Heat

Word Vomit: Butterfly

After college graduation, I want to travel. I don't care if my destination is just a local place. I just want a change of scenery, experience independence and freedom from responsibilities, and be reckless. 

Don't be mistaken. I still want to be a professor/teacher. I still want to fulfill most of my life plans. But I need to feed this wanderlust growing inside my gut. I need to escape and find myself. Because while I feel happy now, uncertainty and fear lurks around the corner. I am still unsure of so many things. I want to break free even just for a short time. I'm searching for something I don't know, and it's hard to stay when I long to be elsewhere. 

All I know is that after this escapade, I will go back stronger.