Checkpoint

"These lines kept on echoing in my head. It was probably because of the sweet aroma of the chocolate frappe and the cool breezy afternoon of Paris. I tried to stay focused on my news report about the new feature of Musee de Louvre, but the feeling of nostalgia hindered my mind from thinking about other things. I sighed and continued to look for inspiration in the beautiful landscape of France. I pushed my glasses up and typed senselessly. Somehow, the thought of returning to New York made me wake up." (Caritativo, 2011)

This is the first paragraph of the class prophecy I wrote back when I was a high school senior. Reading this again after three years broke my heart. I used to be so sure of what I wanted in life. I used to have such a clear vision and timeline for the things that what I wanted to achieve. I'm not sure when uncertainty replaced the confidence that I had within myself. 

I went from wondering if I'm fit to be a nurse, destined to be a holy nun, meant to be a barrio doctor, fated to be an advertising/newspaper writer, to finally owning that deepest desire to teach. 

I'm crying because things have changed greatly. I remembered a conversation I had with a friend a few days ago about life plans. I surprised myself when I told her with all conviction that I entered Ateneo with a goal of getting a job abroad after finishing but now, I will graduate with my decision to stay here and serve the country. Thinking about what I said scares me to levels I never thought I'll reach. It scares me because I can no longer identify with the ambitions of my old self. There is so much anxiety in me because I'm not sure if I am really growing as a better person - if I am doing a swell job in being a person. 

I still love France, New York and writing. I like the idea of travelling the world doing a job that I'm sure I will not mind flourishing into a lifetime career. However, this wonderful fantasy...it's not for me anymore. It kills me to actually acknowledge it.

I'm holding with my two hands the new dream and goal in life. I fear and worry if this is the right path for me but, with determination and God's help, I will tackle this road with my whole being.