Cracking My Own Shell

I passed the fifth and final stage of grief a couple of weeks back. What we had, what we potentially had, and what we will never have...I came to accept them all. The way I remember him now blares lights of happiness. I guess that there is just nothing left to say between us except hi.

However, I have been burying an inner yearning for companionship, passion and sincerity underneath the seemingly cold statements about love that I utter. At night, I waited for the clock to strike 11:11 and crossed my fingers for romantic happiness. I wished at the stars, at the fallen eyelashes, and at God that he may find me and set me free from the overwhelming loneliness and insecurity I was experiencing. 

This continued until I woke up one day and saw change. I realized that deep in the recess of my heart, the need to be in a relationship with someone lies with my simple wish of having someone who will stay with me. Someone whose heart will inspire me to stay too. Someone who will change me in ways different and similar to the ways that I will change him. Someone who will stay after seeing the ugliest side of my diamond.

Someone who will make me brave enough to try and engage into intimacy that comes with being in love and love. 

It was then that I thought of the other people who want that kind of love in their lives too. I thought that maybe I am not alone in this state and perhaps if I just reach out my hand, I can hold someone's hand too and feel not so lonely anymore. Perhaps if I just break through the walls of self-misery, I can interact with the ones I never gave the chance to and truly appreciate the other kinds of love existing in my life. Perhaps, if I change myself into a being aware of loneliness dwelling in her soul and is still fighting for friendship and intimacy, I can truly love someone in that way.

I know I am still not ready to start that journey again. For now, I am looking for a way back to God. I miss the closeness we had before all these things happened in my life. I am absorbing and giving happiness from and to my family, friends, colleagues, interests and hobbies. I am loving Him and them. I am recognizing the fact that love is not limited to romantic love---that it comes in different forms. I am slowly stretching my hands out. I am happy.

On Being True

I miss the younger, wilder and fiercer girl that I was but I'm not her anymore. This is me---cautious, wanderlusting, and complicated lady-in-the-making. If I cannot accept who I am today, then who will I be in the future? Nothing, like the dust freely-flowing in the wind. Nothing, like a puppet strung around by the society. Nothing, but a non-existent space invisible to the eye. I don't want to become a nothing.

I certainly won't be a nothing. I want to be somebody. I will be somebody. I may not fully know who I am today, but world, you'll see.

I refuse to become a victim of my own cowardice. I will be me.

I'm ready for you, Summer!

I am honestly so stoked for summer that I cannot make a decent introduction about the playlist I'm about to put here. There's only a week to go then I'm free (albeit temporarily) from my academic and organization works. I can't wait to fill my free days with books, music, and photography! I think it's time for Ianne (my lomo cam) to come out again and let everyone look at how she sees the world. I plan to catch up with my reads too. Hee. If possible, I'd like to have a mini-adventure to celebrate the cheery atmosphere. Maybe a trip to Vigan or a day in BHS, yes?

Anyway (before I ramble again), here is this year's mix! Some are mainstream, some are not.

Brighter Than the Sun - Colbie Caillat
Summer Paradise - Simple Plan
Falling in Love in a Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg
They Lead Me to You - Joshua Radin
Thinking About You - David Choi
We Could Happen - AJ Rafael
All About Us - He is We ft. Owl City
Kiss Me Slowly - Parachute
Downtown - Lady Antebellum
22 - Taylor Swift (Not a Swift fan, but this song is just perfect for that summer mood!)
Locked Out of Heaven - Bruno Mars
Kiss You - One Direction (Same notice as Swift)
Still Into You - Paramore
Only You - Train
Be Your Everything - Boys Like Girls

On Dying

I have always figured that I will die young ever since I was in 5th grade. I did not choose to foresee my life that way but honestly, I cannot dream beyond the years. I cannot see myself growing old with a future husband, taking care of the kids, and having a successful career. My eyes only look at dreams and fantasy, not reality.

As my age increases, I feel like I'm walking closer towards death...and a life where there is no more pain and sorrow. I...am not afraid of dying. I am just so scared not living my life meaningfully. I am scared of leaving my loved ones. I am scared of not leaving even just a tiny mark in this world. Will they remember me? Will I remain in their hearts?

Dear readers, I don't have a death wish, okay? :) I just want you to know that while there are men who are like Voldemort, there are men who accept that every line, even the silver ones, has an end.

So while I am still alive and kicking, I resolve to wash away the negative emotions as quickly as possible and focus on the positive ones. Life is too short for one to resent, to get angry, to be sad, and not to love.

Hope is a tiny flower growing in my heart.

It has been a month and 5 days since we last talked, and quite honestly, I wish I could stop counting. It no longer feels like I am winning, rather, it feels like I'm still losing every time I raise my hands and point at my fingertips. Counting reminds me how I cannot completely move on from you. It makes me hate myself for being so pathetic. It takes me back to the heart of my decision, of my avoidance, and of my slowly-but-surely progress of forgetting you. 

Back then, I wanted you to feel the pain of losing someone, to experience  the gnawing suffering of liking someone who doesn't give a shit, and to really understand what I went through for you. I wanted you to miss me. I wanted you to want me, to be called 'the one that got away', and to be the best girl you never had. I wanted you to lose time in imagining the what-ifs. 

I wanted you to regret that you let me go. 

However, I realized that things have changed (again). This time, I want and need to forgive you and more importantly, to forgive myself. I realized that I can't wholly go on with my life if I keep on wishing for things that will never happen. I long to fully accept the fact that you will never miss me as much as I miss you, or even wonder about you and me. 

I still have a long way to go. Though I choose loneliness to keep me company for now, rest assure that one day, I will embrace happiness with open arms. One day, I won't dwell on counting the days anymore. One day, we'll meet again, and I will smile at you.  

Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close

--

Source: http://www.panhala.net/archive/sonnet_xvii.html

At peace.

2013 is proving to be a year of new beginnings for me. :)

To you, (yes, you) I'm sorry for all the absence and shit I said, but most of all, thanks for staying. As I said awhile ago, you are worth all the pain.