Hope is a tiny flower growing in my heart.

It has been a month and 5 days since we last talked, and quite honestly, I wish I could stop counting. It no longer feels like I am winning, rather, it feels like I'm still losing every time I raise my hands and point at my fingertips. Counting reminds me how I cannot completely move on from you. It makes me hate myself for being so pathetic. It takes me back to the heart of my decision, of my avoidance, and of my slowly-but-surely progress of forgetting you. 

Back then, I wanted you to feel the pain of losing someone, to experience  the gnawing suffering of liking someone who doesn't give a shit, and to really understand what I went through for you. I wanted you to miss me. I wanted you to want me, to be called 'the one that got away', and to be the best girl you never had. I wanted you to lose time in imagining the what-ifs. 

I wanted you to regret that you let me go. 

However, I realized that things have changed (again). This time, I want and need to forgive you and more importantly, to forgive myself. I realized that I can't wholly go on with my life if I keep on wishing for things that will never happen. I long to fully accept the fact that you will never miss me as much as I miss you, or even wonder about you and me. 

I still have a long way to go. Though I choose loneliness to keep me company for now, rest assure that one day, I will embrace happiness with open arms. One day, I won't dwell on counting the days anymore. One day, we'll meet again, and I will smile at you.  

Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close

--

Source: http://www.panhala.net/archive/sonnet_xvii.html

At peace.

2013 is proving to be a year of new beginnings for me. :)

To you, (yes, you) I'm sorry for all the absence and shit I said, but most of all, thanks for staying. As I said awhile ago, you are worth all the pain.

2012 = The year of the posts

2012,

Thank you for:

• making me realize how wonderful life can be if I would just let go of all my inhibitions 
• all the bumps and the blocks. Without them, I'd never learn how to look at other options and stand up like I didn't fall in the first place 
• the little moments. Those days when the screw in my head gets loose and I become crazier than I normally am. 
• the inspiration of pursuing my dream of writing. This year showed me that times when I type on the letters and write with my pen are the times I am more honest with myself. 
• The beautiful sunrises and sunsets. They remind me why things begin and end eventually. 
• the stress. I know I complained so many times about the work load. However, I also know that the heavier the responsibility given to me, the more change that I can do around me. 
• the heartaches. They hurt but yes, hurting is good at times. 
• the scars. One day, when someone asks me about them, I'll tell him/her that I conquered a trying period of time. 
• the blossoming of hope. Sounds cheesy, but I realize that some things are worth the love, pain and sacrifice.
• the feelings. They remind me that I am human. 
• the new friends and acquaintances. It's always a pleasure discovering other personalities. 
• the ones who stayed. (and still never letting me go). 
• life.

I regret:

• nothing. 

Wish list

10. A new, medium-sized backpack.
9. A ticket for Disney Princesses on Ice.
8. A plane ticket to Korea/Singapore.
7. The Selection by Kiera Cass/ Everyday by David Levithan/ Let It Snow by John Green et al.
6. Instax polaroid / Any vintage camera
5. A whole day trip to Mind Museum/BGC/Mercato
4. Kim Bum's CD
3. Harry Potter hoodie + ID Lace
2. Lomography mixed film pack, 35 mm.
1. (too cheesy and personal)

I hope I get one of these. :)

Sinatra and Cole

I have so much love for Frank and Nat that I decided not long ago to name my future children after them. How I wish there is someone who can be up to their par in the music industry today. Nobody is composing/singing sweet, real and simple love songs anymore. This generation's music is too focus on heartbreaks, men who are bastards, women who are bitches and lots of sex. (I mean there are good ones like Coldplay, Jon Mclaughlin, and Lady Antebellum but they are overshadowed by the likes of Justin Beiber, FloRida and Selena Gomez urgh) Goodness.

I firmly believe that I am not a child of this era. *sigh*

Notice

In an effort to keep my life as private as possible, I will not write about the personal issues I am facing/will face directly here anymore. I will, however, still express my emotions but in subtle ways. No more "dear diary" entries from me. I have a pen and paper for those. :)

And I guess this also affects the thoughts I will share on twitter and facebook. I will lessen my activities and be as "invisible" as possible on those social networks because I don't feel comfortable in letting things out anymore. I want my old state of privacy back.