Episode 4: Weary

It's been two months since I am officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. 10 years since I first felt them.

It's been a month since my family and I figured out I probably have fibromyalgia. Years since I've first lived with pain.

Pain and agony has always been my company, but love has always been my refuge. Both times I feel pain and I feel joy, I cry. The moments I feel tired and I feel infinite, I think. The years I suffered and I triumphed, I celebrate. I am a human who has felt both the dichotomy and the 'oneness' of life. I am like everyone else - a work-in-progress.

But I've been struggling with accepting that I am chronically ill. I was in denial. I wanted answers to my questions. To me, I've had enough bullshit and issues for this lifetime. I am so tempted to give up because I am tired - very tired, and very weary. I've been fighting with everything that I am but it seems like it is not enough. I am still ill. Still with limitations. Still "not normal".

Yet now, I feel myself softly warming, carefully hoping, and slowly opening. I am very tired, yes, but I can wonder. I can dream. I can still fly.

Downtown Boy / Girl of the Golden Hour

For a girl who loved sunrises and sunsets,
imagined the colorful and tragic
endings of her relationships,
and knew that everything is finite,
I should have docked and walked out of
the coffee shop the minute we saw each other,
the second our eyes met,
and our mouths melted into a smile.
I should have let you be a stranger.
You should have been just a stranger -
full of possibilities I can write about,
wonder about,
and love about.
You should have remained to be an idea,
a dream so unforgettable, I'd write
a story instead of a poem.


But you asked my name, made small talk, checked the spelling of my favorite book character's name,
and gave me my favorite tea.
In return, I gave you my peals of laughter, my stares, my increased heart rate,
and my words.
Too long, your manager said. We've been
creating a line.

Let her go - this is what your boss really meant.

As if the universe heard her, the golden hour set in.
Like Cinderella, I had to go -
for I chase sunsets for a living and you
pay your bills with coffee, tea, and smiles.
And we both knew that.
We both knew we had to end -
before we even began.
This is the saddest poem I've written.
And I'm sorry; this is for you.

Kanta na para sana sa iyo

Chorus:
Dahil sa bawat pagsiat at paglubog ng araw
Iniisip ko kung pansamantala ring
Tumitigil ang inog ng iyong mundo
Para sa alaala at ngiti kong alay sa'yo

Verses:
Di na mapigilan damdaming kinikimkim
Ang magkaibigan ngayo'y nagkakaibigan
Pusoy'y ibibiga't walang hinihiling kapalit
Pagkat ganyan kita minamahal, o sinta

Laging gustong kausap; hindi na mapakali
Sa unang pagmulat ikaw ang inaalala
Sa huling pagsara ipinagdarasal
Na sana'y ikaw ang mapaginipan

Bridge:
Di inaakalang ika'y mahahanap
Sa bilyong taong lumilibot sa mundo
Ang nais lang ay makapiling mo
sa habang buhay

Waiting for the Train

Like an interlock of stars,
flesh to flesh, braided freely -
we held on as tightly as we could
even as we saw
the rushing train of truth
blazing towards us.
"We are real," you whispered like a prayer.
"No. We are paperdolls," I countered softly.
"We are cursed."

Those who started
as a game of pretend
often end up with dead hearts
as the avalanche of illusions they built
bury them.
We are a dream,
a beautiful, tragic dream.
"I'm not letting go."
You stared head on.

But I know, my love,
that you won't be sleeping
beside me in the morning.
Denial has always been your weapon,
slashing at an invisible enemy.
As soon as you wake up,
you will run away; you always had the tendency.

But I understand, my love.
We pretended to be young, foolish,
and lived like teenagers -
naive enough to believe that pretensions
can last forever.
So I let you hold my hand,
kiss my cheek,
and tousle my hair.

Because when tomorrow comes,
you won't be at my bedside.
You will be at hers, the first.

Birthday Wishes

1. Spanish Classes from Instituto de Cervantes
2. Painting Easel and Watercolour Canvass
3. A Question of Heroes by Nick Joaquin
4. One-year Subscription to Esquire Classic
5. A turn table and vinyl records of Nat King Cole, Eraserheads, and Frank Sinatra
6. An OPM mixtape of songs by Ebe Dancel, Paolo Valenciano, Johnoy Danao, The Ransom Collective, Parokya ni Edgar, and Eraserheads.
7. A trip to Las Casas Azucar de Filipinas
8. The Metropolitan Museum of Manila Privilege Card
9. A DVD/CD of Cinema Paradiso
10. Film for Lomo Cam

Just because I'd like to think there is a fairy godmother, somewhere. =)

Mahal

Mahal -
Maari ba kitang tawaging mahal? Kahit ngayong gabi lang. Kahit hanggang sa huling salita lang ng tulang ito.
Mahal, mahal. Hay, mahal.
Limang taon.
Bakit nga ba hindi mo ako kayang mahalin? Paki-ulit. Pakisabi.
Pakisabi naman muli, oh.
Pakisabi ulit sa puso kong hindi matuto-tuto.
Pakisabi muli kasi kahit na paulit-ulit sa ulo ko na -
Mahal.
Mahal na mahal pa rin kita.
Mahal na kita
Mula noong hayskul palang tayo.
Mula noong inimbita kita sa prom namin - ngunit hindi ka naman rin pumunta.
Kahit noong hindi natuloy ang panunuod natin sa sine - iMax pa nga sana eh - ng Harry Potter 7 part 2
Kahit noong hindi ka sumipot at pinaghintay mo ko buong gabi sa campus ng Ateneo para magdinner - Mahal, hindi ka man lang nagtext. Piso lang naman iyon.
Kahit noong tatlong beses kang umurong sa lunch catch-up natin.
Mahal, noon mula ngayon,
Mahal na mahal kita.
at ang sakit-sakit na.
Kasi, mahal,
Hindi ako direksyon. Hindi ako ang taong puwede mong iwan kapag sa palagay mo nasa tamang landas ka at babalikan kapag nawawala ka na sa dami ng rutang puwede mong puntahan.
Mahal, hindi ako sagot.
Hindi ako ang solusyon sa mga problema mo - career man o pamilya. Hindi ako shock-absorber. Hindi ako answer key. Hindi ako unan.
Mahal, hindi ako bagay o ideya o lugar.
Mahal, tao ako.
Tao ako na kailangan rin ng masasandalan.
Tao ako na humahanap rin ng lugar niya sa mundo.
Tao rin ako na napapagod.
Tao rin ako na uhaw sa pagmamahal.
Mahal, mahal na mahal kita at kailangan na kitang palayain.
Kailangan ko namang mahalin ang sarili ko.
Mahal, maari ba kitang tawaging mahal sa huling pagkakataon?
Mahal, mahal. Hay, mahal.
Paalam

Episode 3: Everything IS Okay (And will be awesome)

I finally talked to someone about my problems, (Yes for opening up!) and took off days to really reflect about what I want to do now. Time really helped in slowing down whatever aggressive thoughts I had, as the passing of hours doing all the art projects, planning for meet-ups, and running led me to realize a few things. I am not entirely better - but I am better than before and I am okay with that. At least for now, it is enough.

So, let me list down the epiphanies I had for the past 3 days:

1. I can never live without art. As such, I should build my career and lifestyle around it. This will be one of my non-negotiables in life.  I will breathe in any form of art if this means it will always be with me.
2. Teaching is not the only way.
3. Being kind goes a longer way than scheming or taking advantage of people. Being soft too. Yes, it is easier to harden after all the bullshit this world made us go through; however, isn't it better not to contribute to the bs other people are experiencing and actually help them along their way?
4. "You will never, ever be empty." - God to me, last Sunday.
5. I am not meant to be a teacher. Nor a doctor. Nor a nurse. Nor a nun. I am not meant to practice any profession because I actually choose to be one. I choose which passion I am willing to rigorously pour my heart and soul into. And I choose to be a storyteller - in any form, in any way.
6. My life maybe a little fucked up but it is not hopeless.
7. I am blessed.
8. It is okay to take time to recover. I don't have to be so hard on myself. Life is not a sprint.
9. "Everyone needs a place. It shouldn't be inside of someone else." - Richard Siken
10. Forgive. Exorcise every grudge that has taken residence in the recess of the heart as it will only make you diabetic to chances and opportunities to be happier.
11. Love. Always, all ways.

It feels so liberating to put these into writing. I am believing, more than ever, that brighter days are coming soon. I just gotta hold my head up high.