Episode 6: Ijot Guide

Hi,

There are a few things that you should know about me that I won't be able to tell verbally. Hence, this ijot guide. I hope this helps.

1. If I start singing out of the blue, know that I've been singing inside my head minutes before. If we are in a public place, whisper and tell me "too loud." (or you can always sing with me.)

2. If I randomly dance, let me lest we are in a cramped space and I'm hurting someone's boob or head already.

3. If we are watching a movie with intense scenes, expect me to huddle and cover my eyes with your arms. If I cry, remind me that I have emergency tissue in my bag.

4. In case I have a panic attack, hold my hand, address my concern, and tell me that everything will be alright. Do not tell me to calm down - I will just do the opposite.

5. In case I miss out on a hang-out, please forgive me. I am probably inside my room, unable to defeat my demons for the day. Know that I will always, always long to be with you and to miss out on a hang-out is not normal.

6. There will be times that I will call you and say nothing...at first. Please don't put down the phone.

7. Letters. You'll find them written on post-its, tissue paper, or here. Know that you cross my mind.

8. Surprises. Big or little, this is my way of saying I am thankful for you.

9. I like you. I don't see you as just a friend.

10. If this is too much, you are free to leave. The door is always open.

Scared

I'm very scared. 

There are a lot of thoughts and questions inside my head that I want to burst out whenever I talk to you. I did not want to breach the security of our relationship just to get answers but now, I realized that I am too far along to even care about security. 

I like you. I really do. I look forward to every text, every story, every thought, and every song that we tell each other. And while I did say that we should still be friends...are we really just friends? Why do I feel like I'm letting you in to the shadowy corners of me? Why do I give you a lot of time that I normally will not give to just any friend? Are you just being friendly? Is this your type of friendship? 

Tell me because I need more motivation to keep myself in check. Tell me because I'm scared. 

I'm scared because you are real. You are real and you are beautiful and I never imagined of having this sense of comfort and longing for another person. You are real and you are telling me I am praise-worthy and I just want to tell you that damn, the girls you loved before are so lucky. You are real and I'm trying so hard, so very hard, to build more walls around my heart but you are just there, knocking everything down. 

You are real and I do not know what to do anymore because fuck my illnesses, I think it's too late. 

Episode 5: Start of Something New

Dear self,

You were told by your psychiatrist that you are on the journey of healing, and not of perfection. The goal is to be more self-compassionate - to be the person yourself needs and wants the most. And I think she's right. As such, I made a list that you should follow during the whole 2016 and beyond. Here it is:

1. You are on your way to have a healthier lifestyle, and not to lose weight deliberately.
2. Accept your body's limits. It's the only one you have, might as well love it and cherish it.
3. You don't have to conform to society's meaning of success. You don't need anyone's validation except yours and His. Do what you must, but do it by principle.
4. Avoid logical fallacies.
5. Make more art. Never be afraid of giving the world more color.
6. Don't be afraid to discover the depths. Jump!
7. Stay at your second job for years. Work passionately.
8. Honey, promise me you won't wait on anyone anymore.
9. Remember: You are not a burden. You deserve to be loved.
10. Stand by your principles, but be more open.
11. It's okay to be tired. :-)

I'm counting on you, dear. There will be bad days, but the good ones outweigh them, no? Become more.

Yrs,
Chelly

Episode 4: Weary

It's been two months since I am officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. 10 years since I first felt them.

It's been a month since my family and I figured out I probably have fibromyalgia. Years since I've first lived with pain.

Pain and agony has always been my company, but love has always been my refuge. Both times I feel pain and I feel joy, I cry. The moments I feel tired and I feel infinite, I think. The years I suffered and I triumphed, I celebrate. I am a human who has felt both the dichotomy and the 'oneness' of life. I am like everyone else - a work-in-progress.

But I've been struggling with accepting that I am chronically ill. I was in denial. I wanted answers to my questions. To me, I've had enough bullshit and issues for this lifetime. I am so tempted to give up because I am tired - very tired, and very weary. I've been fighting with everything that I am but it seems like it is not enough. I am still ill. Still with limitations. Still "not normal".

Yet now, I feel myself softly warming, carefully hoping, and slowly opening. I am very tired, yes, but I can wonder. I can dream. I can still fly.

Downtown Boy / Girl of the Golden Hour

For a girl who loved sunrises and sunsets,
imagined the colorful and tragic
endings of her relationships,
and knew that everything is finite,
I should have docked and walked out of
the coffee shop the minute we saw each other,
the second our eyes met,
and our mouths melted into a smile.
I should have let you be a stranger.
You should have been just a stranger -
full of possibilities I can write about,
wonder about,
and love about.
You should have remained to be an idea,
a dream so unforgettable, I'd write
a story instead of a poem.


But you asked my name, made small talk, checked the spelling of my favorite book character's name,
and gave me my favorite tea.
In return, I gave you my peals of laughter, my stares, my increased heart rate,
and my words.
Too long, your manager said. We've been
creating a line.

Let her go - this is what your boss really meant.

As if the universe heard her, the golden hour set in.
Like Cinderella, I had to go -
for I chase sunsets for a living and you
pay your bills with coffee, tea, and smiles.
And we both knew that.
We both knew we had to end -
before we even began.
This is the saddest poem I've written.
And I'm sorry; this is for you.

Kanta na para sana sa iyo

Chorus:
Dahil sa bawat pagsiat at paglubog ng araw
Iniisip ko kung pansamantala ring
Tumitigil ang inog ng iyong mundo
Para sa alaala at ngiti kong alay sa'yo

Verses:
Di na mapigilan damdaming kinikimkim
Ang magkaibigan ngayo'y nagkakaibigan
Pusoy'y ibibiga't walang hinihiling kapalit
Pagkat ganyan kita minamahal, o sinta

Laging gustong kausap; hindi na mapakali
Sa unang pagmulat ikaw ang inaalala
Sa huling pagsara ipinagdarasal
Na sana'y ikaw ang mapaginipan

Bridge:
Di inaakalang ika'y mahahanap
Sa bilyong taong lumilibot sa mundo
Ang nais lang ay makapiling mo
sa habang buhay

Waiting for the Train

Like an interlock of stars,
flesh to flesh, braided freely -
we held on as tightly as we could
even as we saw
the rushing train of truth
blazing towards us.
"We are real," you whispered like a prayer.
"No. We are paperdolls," I countered softly.
"We are cursed."

Those who started
as a game of pretend
often end up with dead hearts
as the avalanche of illusions they built
bury them.
We are a dream,
a beautiful, tragic dream.
"I'm not letting go."
You stared head on.

But I know, my love,
that you won't be sleeping
beside me in the morning.
Denial has always been your weapon,
slashing at an invisible enemy.
As soon as you wake up,
you will run away; you always had the tendency.

But I understand, my love.
We pretended to be young, foolish,
and lived like teenagers -
naive enough to believe that pretensions
can last forever.
So I let you hold my hand,
kiss my cheek,
and tousle my hair.

Because when tomorrow comes,
you won't be at my bedside.
You will be at hers, the first.